I first saw the topic for this day and just thought Oh boy. How do I explain where I'm at? It's been two years but sometimes feels just like yesterday. I have come a long, long ways. I have been through the anger, the devastation, and the disbelief. I've wandered around in a daze, not knowing or caring what day it was. I've wondered how this could happen to us and why. I've questioned why people aren't more understanding and sometimes so insensitive. I feel like I've come so far sometimes, and not so far other times.
When I post about Carter or my grief, I hesitate. My head tells me that people are tired of hearing about it, but sometimes it just needs to come out. And I have always believed in being honest with people about what it's like to be a babyloss parent. The pain has definitely changed. It's still here and always will be, I will always feel the loss of my baby. Now instead of constant rip your heart out aching and longing, it comes in waves. A lot of times when I don't expect it, it sneaks up and washes over me, threatening to take me under. When it comes, I try to let myself "go there" and not just stuff it down. I think that has been a huge part of my healing is allowing myself to feel and be present in the pain which then allows me to continue moving forward. I have been so blessed in having family and friends that make a safe place for me to do that.
Carter will always be my child and I will always be living without him. I will always be wondering what he would be doing at which stage. Some days it makes me smile, other days it makes me cry. There are times I can think about Carter with joy that he is my child, and other times all I feel is the pain of his absence in my life.
in a big way. Trying to make the most of what we've been through and enjoying our life and my boys the best that I can.