A Letter to My Shoes

in the spirit of Fess Up Friday, I have a confession. I wrote a letter to my shoes: 

I have had to face a hard reality over the past few weeks.

It all started when I went into work one day. I changed into my scrubs and went to find my Danskos. I looked all over the place for them but they were nowhere. Luckily, I had another pair of comfortable shoes in the locker room so I put those on and went on my way. Throughout the day I discreetly openly stared at everyone's feet hoping to catch a glimpse of my shoes. Maybe someone put them on accidentally? Or forgot their shoes so they were just borrowing mine? I would be okay with either of those, as long as I got them back.

After a few weeks of stalking black Danskos around the building looking for a pair with a scuff on the left inside toe, I gave up. I had a few false sightings, but my lovely shoes are gone. The earth has swallowed up my shoes.

Today, I would like to say goodbye to my Danskos. Tons of nurses wear these shoes. They are kind of like a rite of passage in nursing. I got my first (and only) pair when I graduated from nursing school. They made me feel like a real nurse.

And so, to my danskos, I will miss you. I will miss your scuff and the way you were molded to my feet. I'm sorry for the time that patient leaned over the side of the stretcher and barfed on you. Thank you for staying up late with me all those long nights on call. I'm sorry for those days in the summer when  I forgot to wear socks to work. Thank you for protecting my toes from things I dropped on you or things I kicked and earning your scuffs. I'm sorry for abandoning you for 6 months and leaving you all alone in the locker room at work. Thank you for getting me through 4 years of nursing. I will be here waiting for you in case you decide to come home. And if you have my shoes, please give them back, my feet miss them. Thanks :)

Just a Phase

A certain small someone, whose name I won't mention, has decided that it is really fun to unswaddle himself, do acrobatics in bed, yell, pee through all his clothes and sheets, and eat his baby monitor. He's also decided it's really fun to do this starting about 3 am until whenever we give in and get him up. As a result, his naps are all out of whack and he tends to be a little bit of a huge crankypants.

It's a good thing he's still cute, even if his parents are exhausted. Here's to hoping it's just a phase and we will get our sleep through the night baby back. I'm not sure Cohen realizes I am NOT a morning person.  I'm repeating to myself...it's just a phase, it's just a phase...

Life Besides Diapers

I know there has been a lot of diaper talk lately, but I can't help it. I am just so excited about this project. It has been really healing for me to be able to put some of my energy towards this.

Anyway, besides diapers, what have we been doing?

Mowing the lawn. Putting our feet in the grass. Running outside anytime we see the sun. Scooting. Sitting up for more than 3 seconds. YES! That's right, Cohen is almost officially a sitter. He can sit for several minutes but still gets a little too excited and falls over sometimes. Sewing diapers. Oh, sorry! Getting $65 worth of clothes for $20 at Old Navy on a recent shopping trip, I was pretty proud of that (it came out to $2 a piece if you are wondering, under my $5 budget!). Thinking about weeding my front little garden. Spitting up everywhere. Cleaning up spit up from everywhere. Starting a new reflux med. Planning a birthday party. Getting excited about summer. Working. Making plans for summer. Eating scones. Going for walks. Planning our annual Memorial Day camping trip.

Yep, I think that's about it. Here's Cohen's version of what we've been up to. He has milk all over his face because whenever he drinks his bottles he thinks it's fun to hold on to the nipple and try and put it in his mouth which makes milk go everywhere. This happens about 30 times during an 8 oz bottle.

Fess Up Friday

* I may have been slightly offended when Danny said "I need a bigger wife" after I asked him to get something for me because I still couldn't reach what I wanted even though I was standing on a stool

* I sometimes call our cat "Cohen" and sometimes call our son "Russell". Oops.

* While on our trip to Leavenworth, Danny told one of his friends that his favorite author was Sandra Boynton, the author of "Moo, Baa, La La La", "But Not the Hippopotamus", "Perfect Piggies" and "The Going to Bed Book"

* I just struggled a LOT spelling "Hippopotamus" 

* We are on a new budget and we each get a small amount of spending money, Danny spends his on Jack in the Box and I spend mine on scones. We are so hard to please.

*We may have given Cohen a jo-jo to eat. He may have LOVED it. He lunged for the box, we put one in his hands, he threw his feet up on the table, and chomped away. (Don't worry, he only ate the squishy part of the potato and then we took the rest away)

*We took Cohen to Safeway for the first time ever and I spent more time taking pictures of him than actually getting groceries. Pretty sure the people around us thought I was crazy, but for us it was a big step!!

* Once when I was young I connected the dots on our wallpaper with an ink pen, signed my name on it, and claimed it wasn't me. (In case you never figured it out mom, it was me...I feel so much better now having that off my chest!)

 {Nom, Nom, Nom...with his feet on the table. Time to work on manners!}

{It's hard to get a picture of him holding still and a good facial expression :)}

{Cute boy in his cute jammies}

Weekend Getaway

This weekend Danny and I went on a little getaway weekend to Leavenworth for Danny and our friend Steven's birthdays. Cohen stayed with Gramma and Grampa (THANK YOU!!) and he did wonderfully.

We left Friday around noon, I met Danny after work and we drove to Everett to meet some of our friends. We loaded up the car and off we went over the pass. We had a relaxing afternoon and then the rest of our friends showed up in the evening. I didn't get a picture of everyone, but there were 9 of us there.

It was a nice, relaxing weekend that I think was much needed. We spent the weekend visiting, sitting in the hot tub, playing games, doing puzzles, and eating junk food. I had never actually been to Leavenworth, so on Saturday we went to see the sights. The boys were excited to find sausages and I was excited to find a pretzel. We brought Cohen a cool wood puzzle which he liked and immediately took to chewing on the pieces. We had brought snow shoes (along with half the house) but we weren't ambitious enough to find somewhere to snowshoe. We just enjoyed our weekend of rest.

I was a little bit of a slacker this year in the cake department as I was working on Danny's birthday. My plan had been to make him a cake at the cabin, but instead I frosted a giant rice krispie treat and called it a cake.

 {Steven got a cake and Danny got a giant rice krispie treat with frosting}

We called Cohen before bed and in the mornings to "talk" to him, which our friends really enjoyed. Cohen told us that Gramma had been feeding him oatmeal, fresh squash, and Ritz crackers.

It was a fun weekend, but we were pretty excited to get home to Cohen. We picked up our car in Everett, drove through a blizzard in Bellingham, and came home to sunshine at our house. Cohen was napping so we just went in and looked at him and waited for him to wake up. He woke up, drank an 8 oz bottle like a champ, and then demanded that we feed him over half a jar of squash. Gramma taught him well!

 {Birthday Boys...this is the best picture I could get of them}

 {Driving over the pass}

{Blizzard half an hour from our house}

{And sunny weather at home}

 {And home to this cute little face}

Last year at Danny and Steven's birthday party, we made the announcement to our friends that we were pregnant with twins.


*And also, I was reminded the other day by a friend who is already collecting things for the next NICU Care Packages, to remind you...if you want to help out with the next set of care packages, start collecting now! Here are a few things you can keep an eye out for: Shampoo/Conditioner samples or travel sizes, kleenex, small lotions, and hand sanitizers. If you are a knitter, crocheter or sewer you can also start making preemie baby hats. More details on when the next collection will be are coming soon. Thanks!!*

Break Please!

I need a little break from drama. At home. At work. In life.

I don't want to stress about whether Cohen has a sensory problem or not.

I don't want to think about people getting fired or quitting at work because of politics.

I don't want to sit by my phone and worry when I hear that there is a fire at the oil refinery my dad (and brother) works at and we haven't heard from him.

I hate driving by the cemetery and seeing them set up for a service for another family who has lost their child. And then the next day hear about another family who lost their baby. Seriously?

It just seems to come and come and come, like waves. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are running and you keep falling and every time you get back up and take a few steps you fall again? Some days I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water.

I just want to be. And to deal with the things I already have to deal with. But, I guess that's not the way life goes. So, we just try to carry on. I deal with what I can, and if I can't, well then I don't because my mind is already full.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

I know things have been kind of rough lately, but please remember to have patience. And grace, lots of grace. I know it's hard for you to hear people complain about their difficult pregnancies due to nausea or gaining weight. I know you cringe when you see people saying how miserable they are at 40 weeks and they just want their baby out. I know you want to scream "At least you have your kids!" when you hear people complain about their children. I know things didn't go the way you wanted to. You would give anything to be the person who only knew a "hard" pregnancy as one in which you had morning sickness or swollen ankles.

I know you have to try really hard not to sigh when people define their "bad days" as ones in which their car breaks down or they are late to work. You know that those people are lucky. I know that you wish those were your worst days. I know you wish that you could tell those people "Things could be so much worse!"

But you know what? As irritating as it can be, just remember, to those people those are the worst things they know. And in a weird way, I am happy for them. I'm glad more people don't know this pain. You know you would never wish for anyone else to know these feelings. Those people, they don't know any different. It's not their fault. Yes, they are lucky that their crappy days are bad hair days or running out of gas. And, yes, maybe they don't know how lucky they are. You have been through a lot I know sometimes you just want to delete people off of your facebook or send them anonymous messages telling them to be grateful and that things could be a lot worse, but that wouldn't help anything.

You used to be that person, too. What you have been through has changed your perspective. Your ideas of things that are important and things that aren't have changed. You define "bad" and "worst day ever" and "joy" differently now because of the things that you have been through, just as other people's definitions are based on the things they have been through. For some reason, you were chosen to walk this journey. And also, just as people don't know what you are going through, you may not know what they are going through either.

Keep thinking about what kind of legacy you want to leave for Carter and for yourself. Surely it's not one of bitterness and envy. It's not the kind where you always have the worst "sob story" and feel sorry for yourself. Hopefully it is one of love, faith, and hope even in the midst of pain. A story of God's grace, mercy, and strength in trials. You have things to be thankful for, too. You have two sons and a wonderful husband. You have an incredibly supportive family.

And, just in case you forgot....you aren't perfect either. You have been shown grace and forgiveness and it is up to you to choose to show those to others as well. Keep working on patience, and grace, and forgiveness. I know you, and I know you will mess up and put your foot in your mouth a few times, but keep trying. And pray, a LOT.

Love, Jana

It's a Love Story

Well, since it's almost Valentine's Day, I thought I would tell you the story of Danny and I.

It all started in the summer of 2004, the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. I wanted to do something fun over the summer and thought camp would be a cool experience. I ended up working at a day camp in Bellingham. Though the kids were only there during the day, the staff stayed at the camp all summer. It was a lot of hard work, but it was really fun and I made some really good friends.

As the summer of 2005 approached, I decided I should probably get a job that paid more than 50 cents an hour (camp wages). My dad works out at the BP Refinery and during the summer they hire children of people who work there for odd jobs. My job was to count fire extinguishers and paint fire hydrants. It was rough. I took a few weeks off to guest counsel at the camp I had grown to love the year before. While there, I met this guy named Topple. Well, that wasn't his real name, but we all had camp names and that was his. I had a little crush on this kind hearted, patient, and very tall boy, but so did a few other girls at camp. Every week at camp feels like a months worth of time when you spend every waking minute with the other staff, so really, we spent 2 months together over the summer as Topple and Haleakala. After my visit to camp, I went on my way and didn't think too much more about this handsome fellow I had met.

 {Summer 2005}

Somehow, one of us somehow got the other's AIM (remember that!?) screen name and we started having nightly chats over the computer. It got to the point where I came to expect that we would talk at some point during the day.

 

 {My nursing school graduation - Dec 2007}

Eventually, he was coming to my neck of the woods (he was at Western and I was at PLU) and invited me to come along to the Puyallup Fair to a concert with him and some of his friends. Little did I know that the concert would be full with no tickets and that it would be me and a number of his guy friends. So, we wandered around and he impressed me with his eating skills by eating a huge hamburger about the size of his head. Those of you who know me well, know that this is not something that I would normally do. I would rather be at home in my pajamas with my friends than out with a guy I didn't know that well and all of his rambunctious guy friends. I'm not sure what made me go that night, but I'm glad I did.

 {Fall 2008}

{Winter 2008}

 After that, when I came home on weekends or holidays he would suggest that we get together. And I would turn him down. I was scared of boys. He asked me several times and I continued to say no. Finally, I was taking my niece to go see "Charlotte's Web" and told him he could come with if he wanted. I figured he would turn me down, but he didn't. He came with us and sat through the whole movie like a champ.

We continued to talk over AIM and eventually he asked me what I would say if he asked me out. I told him I might say yes. He then told me that he was going to call me. He called me on the phone and asked me out. I said yes and that was the end of the conversation. We hung up and went back to talking online. Such romance! He always asks me if it sounded like he was reading off of a card and I always tell him that yes, it did.

We went out on our first date and then several more after that. He would come down to PLU to visit and I would see him when I went up north. Danny had to work hard to get me. He was very persistent. The first evidence of this was when he asked me to be his girlfriend. At first I said yes. And then I called him after he left and said no that I wasn't ready. Poor boy, he should have known then what he was in for. But, he didn't let that stop him from continuing his pursuit.

We continued to date and after about a year, we broke up. I was just finishing nursing school and this was the time my Gramma had gotten really sick. I was trying to study to take my nursing boards and help take care of my Gramma. I was spending nearly every day with her. It was all just too much and we broke up. In my heart, I  knew that we would get back together, but it was really hard on both of us because I couldn't explain that to him.  After about 5 months apart (I am really bad with dates), in the fall of 2008 we got back together.

In March of 2009, Danny proposed. I was still working in the recovery room at the hospital in Seattle and I had been on call at the hospital the night before and had gotten called in for an emergency surgery. I woke up late in the morning to find Danny at my apartment with a picnic basket. He said he wanted to go hiking and for a picnic. We stopped at Subway for sandwiches and then went out for our hike. On the car ride I was holding his hand and asked him why he was so sweaty. I thought it was odd since it really wasn't that warm out. We got a little ways up the trail and we stopped by a little stream. He hugged me and pulled a ring out of his pocket and proposed. Afterwards, I scolded him for not getting down on one knee and he told me that he had. I had gotten so excited that I didn't even notice that he had been on one knee but he showed me the dirt to prove it. We finished our hike and I just kept holding my hand out in front of me and looking at my sparkly ring.

 {The propsal spot}

{The ring}

We decided we didn't want a long engagement and set our wedding date for August 15, 2009, five months after we got engaged. We planned a nice, simple wedding and it was perfect.

 {Rehearsal dinner}

We have now been married for 2 1/2 years. We spent our 2 year anniversary camping for a night within close range of the NICU. Our short marriage has been filled with joy, pain, laughter, tears, a few fights, and lots of love.

I could never imagine a better husband and friend than Danny. This last year has just proven to me again that he is the perfect one for me. He spent countless hours working for our family and then driving back and forth from Seattle to be with us. We have heard that situations like ours can be really hard on marriages and while it certainly hasn't been easy, I do think it has brought us together and taught us new things about each other. We never could have imagined where life was going to bring us on that day we said our "I do's" but I am so, so thankful to have Danny by my side. I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives is going to bring us.

Just in Case...

We are starting to get to all of the "One year ago todays..." and it's hard. We were so shocked and excited to find out we were having twins. We couldn't wait to tell our family and friends. I went out and bought a book to write all about my pregnancy and put our ultrasound pictures in. I was excited to be big and waddling around. I always hear about people who hate getting asked if they are pregnant, but I secretly enjoyed it.  Now, that book is too painful for me to look at. The third trimester section is empty. The "Your Arrival" page, blank. Instead of being in a Moms of Multiples group, I am in baby loss groups and see a therapist. I'm on a roller coaster ride I don't want to be on and in a club I don't want to be a part of.

I have been having a really hard morning, so I decided to go read my "Jesus Calling" book because it always seems to find me right where I'm at...and sure enough this is what it said today (just in case you need to hear it today too!):

"Come to me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been to much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.

Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment, at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway...."

Hmph. Okay, okay, thanks for the reminder God. I do need rest and refreshment. I am bone-weary. I do need to remember that even when life sucks, you can work things together for good. Thanks for meeting me where I am at and loving me no matter what.

If you need a good devotional book, or even if you already have one, this book always seems to say exactly what I need to hear and I've heard other people say the same thing too. My mom's best friend gave me this book when she went with me to one of my appointments and it lived with me in the hospital, at "the home" and now on my kitchen table.

Fess Up Friday

* Last night I went to bed at 7 pm...it was awesome

* Danny makes better cookies than me. He really does

* Cohen peed through all of his clothes and has been naked since

* I feed Cohen baby food every day even though his pediatrician said only every other day

* I generally go to bed later than Danny and I always put my cold feet on him when I get in bed because he is always so warm...he doesn't usually wake up but the other night I accidentally woke him up and he told me he thought I had been out in the garage in bare feet...but nope, my feet are just really that cold :)

* Cohen's first birthday is still 4 months away but I am already planning it on pinterest. It gives me something to look forward to!

* It's been sunny here (but cold) and we have been loving getting out for our stroller walks. We can't WAIT for spring

Happy Friday!!

{Oh hey, just drinking my bottle naked}

 {I LOVE BEING NAKED!}

{Finally dressed and ready for a walk}

How Are We Doing?

We are almost 8 months out from the day our lives changed forever. How are we doing? We still get asked that sometimes. Even though it's a hard question to answer, and often the answers vary from day to day or hour to hour, we do appreciate it. Sometimes it feels like people get caught up in the shock and drama of a situation like ours, and then when things seem to settle down, they all move on. I don't expect people to be where we are, because it's not their lives. It's kind of like when the entire freeway slows down to stare at the accident on the side of the road and check out the wreckage and then once you are past it you quickly can forget it even happened. I'm not saying that people are only interested in our "wreckage", but that's the closest thing I can compare it to that makes sense I think. And it is difficult to still be the one still trapped in the wrecked car as everyone else gets to drive by and move on. Anyway, we truly do appreciate those who continue to check on us, call us, email us, visit us and pray for us. It really means a lot to us.  Day by day things are getting a little better.

That raw, heart torn in half, sob your brains out pain is slowly easing. It is far from gone, but I don't feel like I am standing in the middle of the world unable to move while everything around me continues to fly by. Some days I just feel numb and I think that is part of the self protectiveness that we have programmed into us. Not numb like I am in denial, just numb that I don't think I can possibly feel any more emotions and I just need a break. But, I feel like my heart is slowly being sewn back together one tiny stitch at a time.

Danny and I continue to grow in our relationship. Some days we are in completely different places in our journeys and some days we have similar thoughts. We are tired and worn out, but all we know is to keep going. We had a really great "date night" the other night. My parents took Cohen for the night. We had a gift card to a restaurant so we were able to go out mostly guilt free :)

I do still struggle with some anxiety and fear. I think that is something that may take awhile for me to overcome. I pray about it often. I still just get these feelings that I need to go check on Cohen, even if I just did it five minutes ago. I am afraid that the one time I don't go check on him will be the one time something is wrong. I am still afraid that something is going to happen to him. I want to be in control of things, even though I know I can't. Everything has been so out of my control and so not the way that I had planned. I still struggle with the "what next"? And then I beg God to let us rest because I just don't feel like I have the strength to face anything else. I am thankful that he knows what I need, even when I don't have a clue.

Cohen is doing well. All 14 lbs 8.5 oz of him (as of last week). We continue to be so thankful that he hasn't been sick even once since he came home from the hospital. He is a mover and a shaker for sure. He is constantly moving, even when I am feeding him his bottle he kicks his legs and moves his feet the entire time. I think his brain wants to do things like crawl or just get up and walk but his body isn't quite there yet. We are enjoying the time before he is mobile because I'm pretty sure this boy will not slow down! He will be 8 months old in a few days and we can't believe that in a few months we will be planning his FIRST BIRTHDAY! I know it will be a bittersweet time but we hope that we can have a day of celebration for our boys. So mark your calendars...just mark off the whole month of June for the birthday party!

So, that's how we're doing currently.

Housebound

I have to be honest, I have been having a rough couple of weeks. Part of it has been doing some processing and the other part of it is that it is really hard for me to be inside all day, every day. I'm used to being busy and going out and about.

Some of you still ask about Cohen and germs. Yes, we are still concerned about him being around germs. RSV season goes through April, so until then, we will mostly be housebound. And it's hard. It's hard for me and I think it's hard for Cohen too. I will do anything I need to in order to keep Cohen healthy, but it isn't easy. Babies are meant to be out exploring their worlds and I can't even take Cohen out with me to the grocery store. He is inside every day. I take him into different rooms to play, but he is still in the house. He is a busy, active boy and when he is awake I am constantly moving him from the floor, to his exersaucer, to his little stand up table. I asked his OT if it was possible for him to get bored and she said YES. He gets fussy if I am not actively playing with him while he is awake.We try and get out for stroller rides when it isn't raining, but those are few and far between.

{Out for a stroller ride in the snow}

And this is hard for me too, it's isolating. I love being home with Cohen and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But it's difficult to not be able to go out if I need to. My family has been a huge help in taking care of Cohen and letting me get out once in awhile. I just wish Cohen could be a "normal" baby. I want to take him out to playgroups or to church. I know this is just another stage in life and it will be over soon, but it's not easy. On the other hand, I am so in love with Cohen. I love seeing how far he has come. Sometimes I am secretly glad when he won't go to sleep because it means I get to sit and rock him. At night, I go into his room and watch him sleep and sometimes I even get him out of his crib just to snuggle him while he sleeps (risky, I know). I'm struggling, but this little face is SO worth it.

And p.s. Thanks to everyone who voted for Cohen in the contest. He was a runner up and earned a gift certificate!

Cohen & Friends

We've had lots of pictures of Cohen with his fan club that I haven't gotten a chance to post...so here are some of them (a few may be repeats from old posts)

{Kim & Cohen}

 {Danielle & Cohen}

{Kristina & Cohen - He says sorry again about barfing down your shirt!}

 {Haylee & Cohen}

 {Cohen & Grampa}

 {Cohen & Auntie Christine}

 

  {Cohen & Bridget}

{Cohen & Lindsey}

{Cohen & Tamara}

{Cranky Cohen and his preemie friend Eli, they were in the NICU together}

{Stories from cousin Michelle}

{My cousins Julie & Annie came to visit (sorry Annie, I look really silly in the one with you in it)}

 {Cohen & his preemie friend Isaiah}

{Cohen & Gramma 2}

{Cohen, Richie & Rachael}

{Cohen & Rachael - it was too cute not to add!}

{Cohen & his NICU girls}

{Cohen has lots of NICU friends}

{A few more of his girls...he was getting a little sleepy}

{Cohen & Gramma}

{Dad, Cohen, & Jimmy}

Thanks everybody for being a part of our lives!! If any of Cohen's other friends have pictures out there, feel free to email them to me, he would like them for his scrapbook!