Sunday Song - Worn

I have been listening to this song a lot lately and thought I would share it in case someone else out there needs to hear it.

Some days I truly just do feel so very worn, the burdens of this life just feel so heavy. I love this song because it makes me feel like it's okay to be worn and tired. Life is hard, but it's not the end, we have something to keep on fighting and living for and that someday our struggles will end.

I know there are many of you out there who have been through or are going through some incredible struggles. One of the parts of our journey that I have been so blessed by is having others share their experiences with me. To have people that know what I've been through and to be that person for someone else, while I wish none of us had been there, has been an amazing experience. I'm thankful that people feel more open to sharing when they know someone else has "been there". I think being able to talk about it and not just keeping it inside is such a huge part of the healing process. So please know that you aren't alone.

It's a relief to know that this life isn't all there is and that someday my heart will be made whole when I get to heaven. The pain and sorrows will be gone!

"Worn" - Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Psalm 18:16-19

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

but the Lord was my support.

He brought me into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Together

The last few days have been hard. Cohen is at such a fun age right now, he is learning and changing so much. I love to just sit and watch him "work" and play. But then there is always this little empty space next to him. A space where his twin should have been so that I could watch them play and learn together. I have a feeling that space will always be there. That little space where Carter should be, right alongside his brother.

Sometimes Danny and I will just sit and watch Cohen and say "Can you imagine what it would have been like with both of them?" And honestly, I can say yes, I imagine it all the time. We talk about how cute we think Cohen is and we say "Can you imagine how cute they both would have been together? Would we be able to handle the cuteness of two?" I wish I could know the cuteness of those two together.
 
I will always wonder about what could have been and I will always hurt for what isn't. I love this song that is below. I know that we will all be together in heaven again one day, but sometimes that day seems so far away. I hope I'm not misunderstood, it's not that I want to leave this world, because I love my family and I want to spend every minute I can with them. But, I also know that there is a longing deep in my heart for heaven, to meet Jesus and to be with my little boy. I am incredibly thankful that I have reason to hope and faith that we will be together again one day.

Happy First Birthday!

Happy Birthday Cohen & Carter!

A song for my boys

Sunday Songs

We've had some rough days, but we are still hanging in there. I am still trying to finish planning a birthday party, one that I know will be so bittersweet. I was really excited to start planning a few months ago, but now things have come to a bit of a halt. I seem to remember this happening around Christmas time too. There's just something about planning parties knowing that your loved ones are missing.

I have to confess, I haven't been doing that great at reading my Bible lately. But, I do like to listen to the radio every chance I get and it is always so good. Here are a few pieces of songs that have been sticking out to me lately, some of which I listen on repeat.

Matt Redman - 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

 

Mercy Me - The Hurt and the Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here 

  

Amy Grant - Better Than a Hallelujah

  God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

 We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

p.s. Check out what Cohen got for his birthday here

I Will Carry You

As I was writing yesterday's post, I was remembering the day that we brought Cohen home and how happy we were to finally have him home. It was bittersweet though, we should have been bringing twins home. The joy of bringing Cohen home was coupled with the pain of seeing only one crib in his room. The few sets of matching outfits we had time to get were still hanging in the closet, never to be worn. The second carseat shoved in the back of the closet until we were ready to deal with it (it's still there).


While we can't have him here in our earthly home, we know that he is at home in heaven. Sometimes it is easy for me to remember that he is happy, healed and whole in heaven, and sometimes it's not. I'm glad it's true whether I feel like it's true or not. I am happy for him that he is with God, never to feel any pain, but I hurt for me that I don't get to have him. Selfish, I know.

I often listen to this song on repeat and I cry every time. We just miss Carter so much. Some days my arms physically ache to be able to hold him again. I like the part that says "I will carry you, all your life...long beyond the empty cradle". I did carry him for almost every moment of his life on this earth, while I was pregnant and as he left this world. I will also carry him all of my life. While I can't carry him physically, he is never far from my thoughts and he is always in my heart and I know that God is now carrying him for me. 

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?  People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One who's chosen Me

To carry you

Sunday Song

JJ Heller - Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Sunday Song

This song is called "Rise" by Shawn McDonald. The first time I heard this song I was driving in the car, going who knows where, and I just loved it.  Throughout this journey I have just kept thinking to myself that there has to be something good out of all this. I don't believe that this is "God's will" but I do believe that God can bring good out of any situation. And I just keep hoping and praying that somehow, somewhere God will bring beauty out of our ashes. And that we will rise out of these ashes. That we won't stay on the ground forever. I know all of this wasn't for nothing. I don't know what it is yet, and maybe I never will on earth, but I just have to keep believing that God is using our story for good.

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

Well I keep on coming to this place
That I don't know quite how to face
So I lay down my life in hopes to die
That somehow I might rise

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

And it also reminds me of this verse:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for thouse who grieve in Zion --

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:1-4

Today I am thankful that Jesus came to set us free and that he will heal my broken heart. I am glad that there will be joy and that sorrow doesn't last forever.

39 Weeks (and one day)

I have quite a few things on my mind so this might be a little random...

1) We got the car back from the shop. Sort of. They said there was a part on the transmission that was warped so they replaced it, put the car back together, and took it out for a test drive. It was still making the same noise. They wanted to keep the car and take the transmission apart again to figure out what was wrong. I said no thankyou, we need the car. The guy was really nice and I don't think he was trying to pull anything over on us. He said the car was safe to drive but that he didn't want to give it back to us not completely fixed. I told him our situation and that we just couldn't be without a car anymore (it had been there a week). So, he wants Danny to bring the car back in the next time he is down so that they can finish fixing it. Danny and I were talking about which car he was going to drive down today and I asked him which he would rather have...his tire blow up or his transmission to fall out on the freeway. Such is our life these days! Sometimes all we can do is laugh because if we didn't we would fall apart and walk down the sidewalk crying (again)

2) Thankyou for your comments and emails about book suggestions. I am looking forward to picking some to read.

 {Mom shoved me in my dino jammies yesterday but they were too small! Must be all the cake pops I've been eating...}

3) The contest to guess Cohen's "going home" weight is still going! There really is no prize, but it's fun

4) A Cohen update: He had a good blood gas this morning but the Drs are going to leave him on the 3L high flow through the weekend just to really let him rest and concentrate on growing his lungs.

Anyway, his respiratory rate has been lower than it was and he seems to be breathing a little easier. He has been sleeping quite a bit and having a lot of "quiet" days which we hope means he is using his energy for growing! The nutritionist gave us a graph of his growth and he finally has a nice upward trend. He is finally on the chart! I'm not exactly sure how to read it, she explained it to me, but I forget what it means. I think it means he has finally crossed over the 10th percentile of babies born at his current gestation (39 weeks). I could be off on that, but I think that's what she told me. Some things tend to go in one ear and fall out the other side...

He had another ROP (eye) check yesterday and his eyes are still the same. They haven't gotten worse but they haven't really improved either. He gets another check in 2 weeks and hopefully his eyes will be improving. He also is due for another echo to look at his heart next week. We are hoping that the right side of his heart isn't getting any larger because of the work of pushing blood to his stiff lungs. Maybe it will even be improving and getting smaller.

Cohen's Drs and nurses have said that he probably won't be home for another few weeks to a month. We are planning on him coming home on oxygen and possibly a feeding tube. The way it seems to be looking right now is that if we want him home sooner then he will come home on a feeding tube. He may be able to breastfeed some, but because of his lungs and how much energy it takes for him to nurse or take a bottle, it might be easier to not push him on the feeding and just continue to do some tube feeding. Probably it would be us letting him either nurse or bottle feed as much as he could and then giving him the rest in his tube. But, he still has a little while so who knows what can happen between now and then! We just can't wait to get him home!

5) I think that God really speaks to me through music. I think I first heard this song when I was in college and it makes me cry every time. Especially now that I know Carter is with Jesus...the "fly to Jesus" part makes be bawl because I imagine my little baby flying to be with Jesus.

6)This last week has been hard for me and I think part of it is that I am nearing my due date. 3+ months after our boys were born my due date is finally coming. It's bittersweet. I am so, so thankful for my little miracle baby. Even on the worst of days, when I hold Cohen, it seems like I can keep going. I can take one more step. My due date is a little bitter because it's the day that I should have been welcoming both of my boys into this world. We should have been waiting with anticipation instead of fear. This is not at all how I imagined it would have gone. But, it did. I can't change it. I am trying to rest in the knowledge that this is all still in God's control. It is incredibly amazing to me that God truly does knit babies together in their mothers' wombs. I think that this is just one of the things that really confirms to me that God is real. That he carefully creates each baby, over time, and that even when they are born so early, they are still perfect little beings.

Blessings

I listen to this song probably about 20 times a day...

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Praise You in this Storm

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I know this song isn't a new song, but it has been one of the songs that keeps coming into my mind throughout the day. And "Praise you in this Storm" seems to be one of the themes that keeps coming up in our journey. We have been learning to praise and be thankful to the Lord even during one of the hardest times of our lives. Even though we are experiencing pain and sadness, there are still things that we can be thankful for. We are thankful for Cohen, for all the support we have received, and we are thankful that we can trust in God and lean on him through this. We are thankful that Carter is in heaven where he is free from pain and he gets to be with Jesus. We are thankful that we will see him again someday!

The other thing I have been learning is that all of this going on doesn't change who God is. It doesn't change his promises and it doesn't change who I am in Him. God is still God. He is still good, kind, and compassionate. He still loves me and hurts with me. He still wants to know all my thoughts, even if they are ones of sadness and sorrow. He still wants me to trust, more now than ever, in his plan for my life, Danny's life, and Cohen's life. While we may be changing, learning, and growing, He is the same.

And for a change of scenery, here's my family last Christmas. Thanks for everything guys!

 Here we are last summer enjoying the nice August weather on a hike...we are sort of glad it hasn't been that nice since we spend most of our time inside (sorry!).

And our kitty Russell, who is now enjoying his own mostly empty house...if only we could get him to make the house payment!