Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Capture Your Grief 2014

In the past few years, I have followed along with the "Capture your Grief" series. Sometimes I pick and choose which ones I want to do, sometimes I share them publicly and sometimes I just think about them or share them with select people. I have always found healing (and support) in doing this. So just in case you haven't heard and might be interested, here is the list for this year and the website that explains it a little more.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Fess Up Friday

And, because it's one of those days and it's been way too long...Fess Up Friday!!

- I found myself very sad the other day that the boys can eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese between them because that means there aren't any leftovers for me

- I often plan their meals around what they are wearing and if we are going anywhere (for cleanup purposes)

- One day while trying to leave work I found myself driving around the same level of the parking garage continuously and didn't notice until I'd been around more times than I care to admit

- I sometimes hide in my closet with food just to eat in peace

- One of our children has taken to pooping in the bath tub nearly every single time he gets a bath and is no longer allowed to bathe without a diaper cover or swim diaper on because I'm tired of fishing poop out of the tub!

- While talking with a friend about how well Ezra feeds himself, I hesitantly admitted it's because he has second child syndrome and his food gets plopped in front of him instead of spoon feeding it to him (he eats SO well, uses a spoon like a champ. It has been quite beneficial for him...)

- When the kids have runny noses I make them wear bibs because then I have a built in nose wiper!

And speaking of boogers...I take pictures of my kids when they are covered in food and then sneeze large amounts of snot out of their noses.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Apple Picking 2014

We have been out to a local pumpkin patch/apple orchard the last few years and the boys always love it. We were a little early for pumpkins this year so we decided to pick apples instead.

{Tractor! Can't take our eyes off of it...}

Cohen loved walking on these tires, but can't quite do it alone so we spent a lot of time helping him walk around and around these tires. The local early learning center was putting on a little event so there was face painting and a sand (birdseed) table too which both of the boys loved. I tried to talk Cohen into getting his face painted but it was a no-go.

We rode the little tractor train out to the apple orchard so we could pick some apples. We got some delicious Honeycrisps and Ezra helped himself to one right there.



It was such a nice day out and we are trying to keep soaking up as many sunny days as we can before the rain settles in. We let the boys check out the pumpkin patch, play on the tires, and eat some goodies before we left.

Cohen loved this baby pumpkin. Anything that's little he gets a big smile and says "look at the baby pumpkin. It's so cute!" I'm thinking there may be a tiny pumpkin in his future when we do go get pumpkins.

Monday, September 15, 2014

P is for Preschool

Cohen is going to preschool.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. First of all, I can't believe he's going to preschool! Back in late spring of this year, right as school was getting out and Cohen went in for his 3 year check up, his pediatrician recommended see about getting him evaluated and into the special ed preschool locally. We were having some rough days and seeing some new behaviors that we weren't quite sure about along with some ongoing things we've known about for awhile. I'm so glad he "got in". But he had to qualify in several areas and he did. So we will go back in a few weeks to make an IEP and then he will be starting the program in October.

It's stressful to feel like you desperately need more help than you can give your own child. I may have cried on the phone when the lady in charge of the preschool program told me they wouldn't be able to evaluate him until fall (true story). He had just aged out of the birth-3 programs so we couldn't turn to them for help and I was trying to navigate the school system as well as a neurodevelopmental program to have him evaluated there as well. It was a little bit rough.

They say preemies are "supposed to" catch up by two years old. Cohen is an amazing boy who has made great strides in a lot of areas. He has relatively few problems considering how early and sick he was. But he's not caught up. And we've known that, but it seems like it's becoming more real now.

We feel like Cohen has made some pretty big strides over the summer...he will now climb some structures at the playground and even go down the slides! Woohoo! It's hard to know with him whether he lacks the physical abilities or because he lacks the confidence/feels unstable to do certain things.

And now my baby is going off to preschool. Off into the big, bad world alone where I can't protect him. (What if they're mean to him? What if he gets made fun of? What if..what if...what if...) I think it will be so good for him and I think that he will really enjoy it. I'm so proud of him and I know it will all turn out well. For now, I'm just going to sit here and cry while I pick out his backpack.

Friday, September 12, 2014

It's Still There

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.” 
― C.S. LewisA Grief Observed

I often wonder when the pain is going to let up. When I won't find myself tearing up when I think about my boy. When the nights won't feel so dark. When the waves won't crash so hard.

The thing is, grief is bittersweet in a way that every time I hear of another loss, I feel that family's pain. I know the ache that mother's arms are feeling to hold her child just one more time. I know the feeling of walking around in a daze, trying to wake up from the nightmare. The feelings of sadness and jealousy when you see another family with kids the same age as yours should have been. I go back to the day we buried Carter. How I told Danny I wasn't getting out of the car. That I couldn't, this couldn't be happening. I hurt for the things the family is going through and will go through. And it brings back my own hurt.

I don't talk about it as much because in theory, I should be "over it" by now. (I'm not). I'm slowly starting to learn, that as much as I would like for it to not hurt still, it does, and it's going to keep hurting. Trust me, I would love to not feel this ache so deeply. I even get frustrated that I can't not hurt. That I can't not think about it for even one day. I want my heart to be whole again. The hurt is still there and I don't think it's going anywhere.