Pregnancy After Loss

Getting pregnant again after a loss, or even a preemie, can be a very difficult and highly personal decision. We have been through almost an entire pregnancy now with our rainbow baby. These are the things that I personally have found helpful in pregnancy after loss.

1. Find a doctor who supports you and will respect your experiences. This is probably the most important thing. If you liked and felt supported by the doctor you had with your loss, it's nice to be able to see them for additional pregnancies because they know what you've been through already.

I mentioned here on the blog the time I went to a new doctor at the same practice I had with the boys. The doctor and I totally didn't connect, I felt judged and unsupported, and I haven't seen this doctor since and I don't feel bad about it. If you have experienced a traumatic pregnancy or birth, whether you lost a baby or had a preemie, there are enough other worries and fears and you need to feel like you have the support of the ones taking care of you and baby.

Your doctor should respect that what you've been through is incredibly difficult and not something that just goes away overnight. There are so many triggers of emotions and memories involved even with going to the same doctor's office. While they should also encourage you and help you see the positive, they should also acknowledge that you will have worries and that you will experience things differently than a "normal" pregnant person.

2. Do what will help you feel the most comfortable and have the least regrets. I have called my doctor's office multiple times over things that I figured were "nothing" but I needed to hear it out loud for the reassurance. If something feels off or you just plain need to know that baby is okay, then do what you need to do.

I was given a doppler by a fellow loss mom and it was a huge help. There are people that don't want to have one in case they aren't able to find the baby's heartbeat or it causes more stress, which is totally understandable. For me, it was the reassurance I needed until I could feel the baby moving.

3. Ask for support. Find a close family member, spouse, or friend that you can go to with your hopes and your fears. Someone that can help you keep perspective but that you can also voice your worries (and your dreams!) to. And do voice them! Anyone who knows what you have been through will understand, to some degree, that this will be a hard, stressful time for you and hopefully support you in that.

4. Take it one day at a time. It's understandably easy to look at the whole pregnancy and to think about what could go wrong and panic. Trust me, I've been there. This quote is one that I repeat to myself often "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength". It's impossible to not ever worry, it's just in our human nature. Go there, voice your worries or write them down, and then focus on the present and getting through that moment.

5. Take things people say with a grain of salt and some forgiveness. Just like when you lost your baby, people will still say silly things that will make you mad, especially in your hormonal state. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Everything is going to be fine, you'll see. These are a few of my least favorites. Our rational brains and some statistics could probably confirm that yes, it is unlikely that it will happen again, but the trauma is there. And really, we don't know that it won't happen again. Our feelings and emotions are forever changed because we've been there and we know what it feels like to love and lose and it is certainly one of my greatest fears that it could happen again.

6. Do your best to connect with baby, even though it's hard. There were many times where I felt like maybe if I just didn't get too attached to the baby that it would be easier if the baby passed away. A friend reminded me to enjoy every day that I was given with the baby, whether it was 2 months or a lifetime.

Pregnancy after a loss is going to be hard no matter what. We bear the scars of something that no one ever imagines going through. We live every day without our children and we know what it feels like and of course we fear that it could happen again. The feelings are very valid and you will experience them. Find people who can support you and help you through. And hopefully, you will get the boring (and exciting in good ways) pregnancy you have always dreamed of!

Anything else you fellow baby loss or preemie parents would add?

34 Weeks: Getting to be "that lady"

Today I got to be that lady. The one that waddles into her doctor's appointment and gets to bring her mom and sister to see the baby at her ultrasound. We got to laugh and make jokes about the baby while they turned on the 3D so we could see his sweet little face. My appointment with my doctor was short because everything was going well.

I got to be the lady that I was always so jealous of at my other appointments where we would sit and wait to see if things were getting worse or better. I wasn't afraid or nervous. I got to talk about normal things like how much the baby weighs while my belly got measured. And then I went on my way out into the sunshine. It felt so good to get to be that lady.

Our little Ezra is looking fine and even a little bit chubby! The ultrasound tech turned on the 3D for us and we got to see his cute little cheeks. He looks similar to the boys but also different. He is guesstimated to currently weigh a whopping 5 lbs 7 oz!!! Sorry these aren't the greatest, they are a picture of the picture, but here he is. Isn't he cute?!

30 WEEKS

30 weeks has been my goal since the beginning and we MADE it! I could not be happier. I had an appointment on Friday and if you follow us on facebook, you know I failed my first glucose tolerance test but passed my 2 hour one. My one hour results still came back high so my doctor suggested I cut back on carbs. I politely told her that would be cutting out all my favorite foods. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

I have graduated to being a normal person, at least in the pregnancy world. I will now just be checked as they do a regular person from 30 weeks to 40 weeks. I'm still not entirely sure what that means, but apparently I don't have to have more ultrasounds or NSTs unless something comes up and they feel like I need it. I had my fastest appointment ever on Friday. They checked my cervix (still good!) and measured my belly with a tape measure (30 cm). I've never had that done before. It was quite odd to not have any kind of ultrasound or test, but I quite enjoyed it. Other than the carb thing.

I have noticed my emotions becoming a little more...apparent? Here's a brief look inside the brain of a 30 week pregnant post baby loss, post preemie mom.

Anxiety: I am growing increasingly nervous about having to have a c-section. I have been told I'm a very good candidate to have a VBAC, but there is still that chance and it terrifies me. I have frequent dreams about going into preterm labor. I also have crazy thoughts about just having the baby now before something has the chance to happen. I always wonder if the boys would have been born just one or two days earlier if that would have changed anything. With them, it ended up being that the longer they were in there the worse things got (although obviously they also needed to be in as long as possible), so I think that part of it has stuck with me.

Excitement/Anticipation: I can't wait to hopefully have a baby and lay in my hospital bed and snuggle him. And put clothes on him. And introduce him to his big brother. And bring him home. And snuggle him some more.

Tears: Lots of tears. I cry, or think about crying, about just about everything. It probably is a combination of pregnancy hormones, the boys' second birthday coming up, and just all the emotions surrounding this pregnancy and birth.

Denial: There is a part of me that isn't quite ready to acknowledge we will hopefully be bringing home a baby. There is still that little part that says yeah, but what if....what if something goes wrong before he's born? What if something goes wrong at the last minute? What if something goes wrong after he's born? Spare me the lectures, I know I can't focus on it or let it consume me, but there is absolutely no way that I could go an entire pregnancy without the possibility crossing my mind. I have lost a child and those scars and wounds never go away.

Preparation: I've decided that now would probably be a good time to start getting ready. I have lots of things on my to-do list that I want to get done. Just little things like build a fence, pack a hospital bag, find a crib, do my spring cleaning. We'll see how much actually gets done.

And there you have it. I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared.

Day Dreaming

Every morning that I go to work (and I've been there a lot lately) I make the walk from the parking garage over to the surgery center. Every time I take that walk, I pass the childbirth center on my way. Sometimes, I allow myself to do a little daydreaming.

I think about what it would be like to drive up the childbirth center in labor at 40 weeks, park the car, and hurry in. We might forget a few things because we are too excited or nervous. It might be the middle of the night and I have my scary hair. We will call our family and tell them "it's time" and maybe this time our voices will be full of excitement instead of fear.

I frequently see people out in the parking lot chatting. I like to think they are family members waiting for the arrival of a new little life. I think about how I want the first moments to be ours as a little family and then to share our boy with the rest of our family and friends. They will get to hold the baby instead of looking at him sprawled out on a bed with lots of wires and tubes and machines. I will hopefully get to hold my baby instead of having to wait to go see him and even then being so out of it that I couldn't really take it in. There will be joy instead of tears (maybe a few happy tears).

Of course right behind the childbirth center is the helicopter. The one that has taken a few of my friends down to Seattle to deliver babies. Thankfully, I never had to ride in it, but I know what it means. Just sitting back there like a little reminder. However, in my daydreams I like to think about how maybe, just maybe, it will go the way that we want. The fears are still there, but sometimes I like to ignore them and think about how happy things could be, at least in my daydreams and hopefully in real life.

25 Weeks and 3 Days

25 weeks and 3 days. The day our world changed forever. Last time, we were in a labor and delivery room after I earned myself a trip there when my water broke. The second day I was there, my water broke again, or more, I'm not really sure. Doctors filed in and out of our room, doing multiple ultrasounds, trying to see what needed to be done. And then they decided it was time. I don't remember much else other than seeing my doctor walk through the door and being so relieved to see a familiar face.

And then there was the strange calm I felt. At the moment when I should have been the most scared about what was coming, I wasn't. All I can say is that I think the Lord somehow granted me that peace in that time that should have been the worst. Danny said he thought it was the calmest he had seen me since going to the hospital.

I think there's another reason, too. As strange as this may sound to some of you, I knew. I knew we weren't coming home with twins. I can't say how or why I knew, but I did. This is something I have admitted to only two other people. Afterall, how can you ever admit out loud that you think your child may die? And as a mother, how can you even fathom the thought that your child may die? When you are a parent you hope and pray for what is best for your child and that generally doesn't include a life without them. I don't remember the exact day I knew, but I remember the day we put up both cribs. I remember the pit I felt in my stomach and how badly I wanted to believe that we would be bringing home both our boys. We only had a couple of matching outfits because I couldn't bring myself to buy any, and of course we didn't have much time.

The days that people told me "don't worry" and "everything will be fine" were the worst. Because deep down in my heart, I knew they wouldn't be. I felt like a terrible person for even having those thoughts. I wished, hoped and prayed I would be wrong. There were days that I was able to push it out of my mind and convince myself that maybe, just maybe, everything really would be okay. Maybe if I believed hard enough and prayed hard enough it would change the outcome.

That day, when I felt that incredible calm and peace, I think partly it was because I knew we were about to find out the answer. The turmoil of wondering whether my worst fears would come true or not were about to be found out. The torture and guilt for even acknowledging the fact that my son may never come home were about to be over.

From those days in earlier weeks when we had to answer the "what do you want done for your children" question, we had always prayed that if the babies weren't going to make it that it would be a clear decision. And thankfully (thankfully?) it was. Carter was too sick and despite the efforts, he wasn't going to live. Somehow, we were spared having to make the decision to keep him alive, or let him go. The things that I knew deep, deep down in my soul came true. It didn't make it any easier. I argued a lot with myself. I felt guilty for having even listened to those thoughts. Maybe I wasn't strong enough, or didn't have enough faith. I wanted my boys so, so badly, with all of my heart. But for reasons that I don't know or understand, it wasn't what God had planned for us. Of course I wish it was different and I also wish that I wouldn't have known. Maybe there is a reason why that I just don't  know yet, I'm not sure.

So here we are, at this same milestone, but in a very different situation. Everything is going well, there is no reason to think that our little Ezra may not be coming home with us. Yet, that fear is still there. Not like it was with the boys, but just sitting there in the back of my mind. I pray that I will be reminded of God's faithfulness, even when I don't understand this life. And today we will be celebrating 25 weeks and 3 days and we hope for many more.

A Who-la?

Danny and I recently met with a doula. I'm not sure I ever really knew what a doula was, but we live near a hippie-ish town with the nickname "Birthingham". So, I've heard about doulas in a moms support group that I am in.

Considering our last experience, I want to do whatever I can to make this a better experience. I've said this before, and often feel a little guilty about it, but the boys' birthday was not the best day of my life.  In fact it was probably the worst. And so, when I heard about a doula and some of the support they can offer, I asked Danny what he thought. He had no idea what a doula was, but wanted me to have what I felt like I needed to have a positive experience.

From my understanding, a doula is basically like a support person. They help make a birth plan and then help remind you (and others) of that plan during labor. As I've mentioned before, we are sort of first time parents even though this isn't our first time. I have no idea what labor is like or what to expect. So, a doula is someone who will have a relationship with us and an understanding of what we hope for during the birth. They can also help out during the actual labor with breathing techniques, positions, etc.

I like the idea of someone I already have an established relationship being there to help out and support us when the baby is born. Since there are no guarantees of who will show up to deliver the baby, it makes me feel more comfortable knowing there will be a familiar face to help me hopefully have the experience we want. I am nervous about the emotional aspect and how many feelings and memories are going to come up. I think it will be beneficial for meI also like the idea that she can be present during a c-section (as long as it isn't an emergency) because I feel like that is the situation where I have the most potential to really struggle emotionally. If Danny left to be with baby, I would still have someone there with me. She can also help to be our voice for things we want like skin to skin right away, or to at least see the baby right away. One of the things I am most nervous about is having another c-section and having the baby taken away and not getting to see him for some reason. I know that will be really hard for me as we never saw or heard anything of our boys when they were born. Hopefully, this time around we will be in a position where we do get to see our baby right away.

Anyway, we are excited about the possibility of having a doula to help us hopefully have the best experience we can. Anyone out there ever had a doula for their birth?

22 Weeks

I was waiting to do our 22 week post until we went in for our ultrasound today. At the beginning of the week, I started to feel what I thought were contractions. They felt eerily similar to the ones I felt with the boys, although less regular. I drank a few big glasses of water and laid down and they seemed to get better. I decided to wait it out and see how I was feeling the next day before I called my OB office. The next day I had a few more so I decided to call. Of course when I called in it was my good doctor friend from my first appointment. But, I already had an appointment scheduled for Friday so I just told them I didn't think I needed to come in sooner but that I wanted to let them know just in case. I may have also hunted down one of my better liked OBs while I was at work and talked to him to make myself feel better.  I continued to have more off and on throughout the week but nothing too major. It was hard not to let that fear and worry come up and take me over. Of course I was nervous, but I tried to just carry on and get through until Friday.

We got to our ultrasound today and I was so relieved to see a nice, long closed cervix with no funneling at the top. The baby is back to being breech, which I had already told Danny I suspected based on the amount of kicking I was feeling. I had started taking Ibuprofen earlier in the week to see if it helped the contractions so I can stop that now that we know everything is okay and carry on!

I can't tell you the amount of relief I feel every time we go in and see our baby boy bouncing around and that all is okay. It's like I have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel like at least until our next appointment gets closer I can breathe a little easier. The every two week appointments are really working out well because it doesn't quite give me enough time to panic in between but enough time that I'm not there constantly. Right now my life is measured in two week increments and it helps me to have an appointment around the corner to focus on.

And so, another good report for the little man. I am so thankful. I told my doctor that I would probably continue to err on the side of caution and he used an analogy that when someone is struck by lightning, they don't expect it to happen again and they hope it doesn't happen again, but it doesn't mean that they don't look up at the sky. We continue to hope and pray for "normal", but we still have that fear in the back of our minds. I'm thankful that so far, it comes and goes and we are able to carry on and work through it.

The Happy Part

After my last post, I thought I should clarify a little. I am enjoying this pregnancy. Not every single moment is fear and anxiety. I actually have been feeling mostly calm and optimistic. I think the worries come out more on the blog because this is my place to put my feelings into words, whether they are feelings that I feel once a week, or every moment of every day. Even though I spend less time worrying than being happy, the hard thoughts and feelings seem to hold more weight. It helps me to be able to get them out so that I can focus more on the positive parts.

If you are someone who has had a preemie or lost a baby, or even if you haven't, I want to give an accurate picture of what this pregnancy has been like for us. Overall, it has been good. Yes, there is a fair amount of worry and fear and I don't want to downplay that either because it is our reality. But there is also joy at feeling this little baby kicking, and finding out that we are having another boy, and getting to see him on ultrasounds. I have been enjoying that I am finally starting to look a little pregnant and talking to my friends about babies. There is absolutely no way that you can go through what we've been through and not have lingering emotions from it. If you had gone rock climbing and fell off the cliff, you would still be worried the next time you went out. You would be anxious about your ropes and other equipment would support you and keep you safe. When something has failed you, you have to relearn to trust and past experiences greatly shape how that happens.

So, just so you know, I really and truly have been enjoying this pregnancy. We have so much to be thankful for, that so far my body is cooperating and that our little boy is looking healthy. After our last doctor's appointment I convinced Danny to take me to the store so we could pick out a little set of jammies to bring this little boy home in. They are hanging in our living room as my inspiration, just like I did with the boys' onesies in the hospital. It's exciting to think that we could be bringing home a baby boy who would actually fit in newborn clothes! So there you have it. Our journey does contain fear and being cautious with our emotions, but it does also include the joy of a new little boy to add to our family.

{Baby K3's very own football jammies} 

{And of course this little boy..."No mom, I wasn't about to throw the cup off my tray"}

Then and Now

19 Weeks! Each week seems to go by quickly and slowly at the same time. We are in what I call "the danger zone" from 19/20-25 weeks when our world completely changed. We thought we had already been through a few challenges with the ultrasound results that showed that our Baby A may have a genetic problem and were sent to a genetic specialist. We knew that it was unlikely because of our age and health, but we also knew that if our baby had Downs or another genetic problem, it wouldn't change our decision on whether to keep both babies or not. It was never an option to decide not to keep one of our babies. We had no idea that eventually it would be a choice we didn't get to make in the opposite direction. After the genetics scare was the trip to the ER on vacation because I was having severe pain and spent most of our vacation in bed. Then it was talk of a shortening/funneling cervix, contractions, and twin to twin transfusion and eventually being admitted to the hospital.

Aside from the first few issues, most of this happened within a fairly short amount of time, about 5 weeks. Two weeks at home, three weeks in the hospital. But let me tell you, those 3 weeks in the hospital, were the longest of my life. When I think back on it, I'm fairly certain it had to have been longer than only around 20 days in the hospital, but I felt every.single.minute. Every day I laid in that hospital bed, feeling the contractions and feeling totally and completely frustrated and helpless. Trying to hold onto hope but really struggling to feel hopeful at all. There were days when I would literally look at the clock and wait for the next minute to come. It felt like endless days of monitoring, not being able to move for fear of starting all over again with trying to get the babies back on the monitors. Every night at exactly 7:00 pm I would call the nurses in and ask for my sleeping medication. Getting to bedtime was always my goal for the day. There was some relief in making it to the end of the day, but also the reality of doing it all again the next day. We were so thankful for each and every day our boys got to stay inside, but it was incredibly tiring.

And here we sit, approaching "the danger zone". While those days seemed neverending and full of pain and fear, I would do them all again in a heartbeat if that's what it took. I have nightmares about it all happening again. I know everyone says "it's a different pregnancy" and I repeat that to myself often. As we approach these next weeks, I am trying to appreciate each and every quiet moment that I have.  Every day I hope and pray for many, many more because I just don't think I would have the strength to do that again. Here's to hoping to get to continue to be a "normal" pregnant person (well you know, aside from the thousands of ultrasounds).

Mixed Feelings

As we sat in the doctor's office for our appointment the other day, I could hear the muffled talking of the doctor chatting with another patient next door. It instantly brought me back to one of the days where we were waiting to get what we knew was bad news from the doctor with the twins. We had finished our ultrasound and knew something was up but were waiting to hear what it was. The door opened to the room next to us and we could hear the doctor giving another patient our news. He started with saying something about the twins and how the situation wasn't looking the best. We could hear the surprise in the couples voice as they were clearly not expecting twins and were somewhat shocked at the news. They all had a good laugh over the mix up.

And yet, there we sat in the next room, knowing that that was our news. Knowing that the serious tone in the doctor's voice was coming our way  next. And wishing we could laugh it off as a mistake. I clearly remember sitting on the exam table with my head on Danny's chest, so entirely full of fear for my boys. I don't even remember what bad news we got that day as it seems like every appointment held some kind of hard news.

My emotions now are kind of a mixed bag. I still hold my breath through each ultrasound until I see our little boy moving and see that my cervix is long and closed. I wait for bad news. Thankfully, we haven't gotten any. But, my body failed me the last time around and I have to learn to trust it again. I am slowly letting my guard down and I think today was the first day that I have really felt good about this pregnancy and felt like celebrating. It was such a relief to know that everything was as it should be and that we got to be the family laughing and chatting with the doctor.

We will continue to go in every 2 weeks and will continue to hope and pray for routine appointments where we just get to enjoy the little things our baby boy is doing. While it is somewhat of a nuisance to go in so often, I am also glad. Being seen every 2 weeks makes it so that if I start to get ideas in my head that something is wrong, I know I have an appointment coming up soon and that hopefully my fears will be laid to rest to get me through to the next appointment. It's hard to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. Optimistic and excited about this little boy. But also knowing the potential of what could happen. But trying to just enjoy it, one moment at a time. All we really want is for this little boy to get here safely.

18 Weeks

Well folks, here we are at 18 weeks. I am glad to say that I have been feeling somewhat calmer the last few weeks. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm trying to just enjoy it. I think my belly is starting to get a little bigger. Or at least it feels like it to me.

I have an appointment tomorrow, as I mentioned I will be going every 2 weeks for the next bit just to make sure my cervix is behaving. I think that will make the time go by quickly as I really only have to make it 2 weeks between appointments. We have been busy around here so I also haven't had much time to dwell on the "what ifs" which has been good. And of course Cohen keeps me on my toes and busy all.day.long.

I've been doing little things to get ready, but still haven't committed to doing anything major (like getting a crib etc). I recently learned to crochet so I did decide to make a baby blanket. Which is kind of a big step. I have these conflicting thoughts of allowing myself to believe we will bring home a baby and wanting to protect myself. But, I can honestly say that these last few calm weeks have been really good and I hope there are many more like this where I can truly enjoy the pregnancy.

How did you Decide?

There are a lot of questions that we get asked a lot or that I can see that people want to ask but don't. One of these being: How did you decide to have another baby?

This is our answer, it by no means represents all preemie parents or baby loss parents. For us, we knew we wanted more than one baby. When we got pregnant with the twins, we thought how perfect it was that we could get it done in one pregnancy. Obviously that didn't work out as we had planned. We knew that we wanted a brother or sister that Cohen gets to grow up with. This is by no means an effort to replace Carter. We know that no one will ever replace him, or would we ever want to try and replace him.

We thought long and hard about our decision and we knew that we wanted to have another baby. We didn't want to let the fear of losing another child or having another preemie stop us. It wasn't an easy decision...there were all of the what ifs that came back up. What if we have another preemie? What if I have to go on bedrest? What if people get tired of helping us out? Is it irresponsible to try again? What if we lose another baby?

I have never been only a preemie parent or only a baby loss parent, our experiences are intertwined and we really can't separate them out. This is only my opinion based on our experiences. It seems like having a preemie scares you just enough to never want to go through that again. You have caught a glimpse of what could have been and been through horrible things fighting for the life of your baby. It's really, really hard. Maybe just hard enough that you never want to do it again. When you have been told that your baby is dying, held his lifeless body, carried a tiny casket to a graveside, and buried your child, that's the bottom. There is nowhere farther down to go.

There is a common thread among baby loss parents that they just need to try again. I can't say what the reason is for sure, to fulfill the dream of a child, to restore faith in your body, to trust yourself again. Like I mentioned before, it's not to replace a child. I think there is probably a huge amount of healing that comes with being able to carry a baby and bring that baby home, alive.

Of course we are nervous and scared of losing another baby. And maybe none of this makes sense, but it was just something that we needed to do. To be perfectly honest, I've had a few pretty anxious days where I wonder why on earth we thought this was a good idea. I can't bear the thought of burying another baby. I'm thankful for my friends and family who are willing to talk me down off the ledge. Just please don't tell me everything is going to be fine, I hate that more than anything. I do hope everything will be fine, but we know all to well that there are no guarantees. When I was pregnant with the twins, someone told reminded me that God already knew the outcome of what was going to happen. Sometimes this is unsettling because it doesn't mean that his plans are my plans, but it also brings comfort that all I can do is the best I can, the rest is out of my control. None of the events of my life are a surprise to God, he has had them all planned out since before I was even born. I try to remind myself that worrying does nothing. It doesn't accomplish anything, it doesn't fix anything, and it doesn't make anything better. All I can do is hope and pray that this baby gets to come home with us, and trust that God is in control, the rest is out of my hands.

I truly appreciate all of you who have shared in our joy and have been praying for us during this time. If you encounter me in my highly hormonal, slightly panicked state...I'm sorry. We have been pleasantly surprised with the amount of support and encouragement we have been met with. I'm not sure what I expected, maybe criticism or questioning, but we really do have an incredible support system around us and I think that is going to help immensely during the next (hopefully) 6 months. So thank you to all of you for loving, supporting and encouraging our family.