Mixed Feelings

As we sat in the doctor's office for our appointment the other day, I could hear the muffled talking of the doctor chatting with another patient next door. It instantly brought me back to one of the days where we were waiting to get what we knew was bad news from the doctor with the twins. We had finished our ultrasound and knew something was up but were waiting to hear what it was. The door opened to the room next to us and we could hear the doctor giving another patient our news. He started with saying something about the twins and how the situation wasn't looking the best. We could hear the surprise in the couples voice as they were clearly not expecting twins and were somewhat shocked at the news. They all had a good laugh over the mix up.

And yet, there we sat in the next room, knowing that that was our news. Knowing that the serious tone in the doctor's voice was coming our way  next. And wishing we could laugh it off as a mistake. I clearly remember sitting on the exam table with my head on Danny's chest, so entirely full of fear for my boys. I don't even remember what bad news we got that day as it seems like every appointment held some kind of hard news.

My emotions now are kind of a mixed bag. I still hold my breath through each ultrasound until I see our little boy moving and see that my cervix is long and closed. I wait for bad news. Thankfully, we haven't gotten any. But, my body failed me the last time around and I have to learn to trust it again. I am slowly letting my guard down and I think today was the first day that I have really felt good about this pregnancy and felt like celebrating. It was such a relief to know that everything was as it should be and that we got to be the family laughing and chatting with the doctor.

We will continue to go in every 2 weeks and will continue to hope and pray for routine appointments where we just get to enjoy the little things our baby boy is doing. While it is somewhat of a nuisance to go in so often, I am also glad. Being seen every 2 weeks makes it so that if I start to get ideas in my head that something is wrong, I know I have an appointment coming up soon and that hopefully my fears will be laid to rest to get me through to the next appointment. It's hard to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. Optimistic and excited about this little boy. But also knowing the potential of what could happen. But trying to just enjoy it, one moment at a time. All we really want is for this little boy to get here safely.