The Sadness

It's been nearly 4 years but I keep circling back to this place. The place of loss and the sadness. At first, it was raw and heart wrenching pain that I never thought possible. Bursting out in tears at expected and unexpected times. In private, in public. Now, it comes in waves, sometimes catching me off guard. I still feel it so deeply, I don't think that will ever change. Sometimes, it amazes me that we, baby loss parents, can still carry on with our lives. I mean, I live every day without one of my children. Every.day. without knowing his smile, hearing his words, feeling his hugs. Every day with that ache in my heart for what will never be in this life.

The quiet moments are usually when it finds me. The still mornings watching the sunrise on my way to work, the song on the radio that always makes me cry, or the nights I stay up too late because I don't want to face the darkness. When I think about how different our lives would be. Sometimes I miss my life before the sadness. I don't think parenthood and sadness generally go hand in hand, but we have never known it differently. There is (lots!) of great joy in being parents, but we don't have experience being Mom and Dad without our grief. I wish I could know it differently. But I can't change what has happened, and so I will keep circling back. I will let myself circle because it matters. The sadness matters because he mattered.

An Opportunity to Share

I was asked to share a little of our story at church for our Bible study. I said yes and then wondered what had I gotten myself into. What do I have to say? How much should I share? What if I can't actually talk and I just cry the whole time and get snot everywhere?

It got me thinking about all those months we spent in the hospital with Cohen. About our broken dreams and hearts. About the day we buried our Carter and the days we watched Cohen struggle continuously. Those days were hands down the hardest days of my life. They were the days when I wrestled with God, his plans and his will. I questioned why a good God would allow all of this to happen.

But, when I look back on those days, even amidst the struggles and the doubts, those are the days that I felt God's presence so greatly. Even in the darkest days, there was light. Sure I yelled, screamed, kicked my feet and was very angry. But my actions and my situation didn't change who God was. He was my constant as the world crashed down on me. God showed himself to me again and again through circumstances, friends, and strangers. He reminded me that in the midst of tragedy, pain and sorrow, he is still faithful and good.

Our experiences have brought us to a lot of places we never would have imagined and given us opportunities that we wouldn't have had otherwise. Losing a child and walking the road of grief and heartache are incredibly difficult and no one should have to do it alone. We have had many opportunities to share our story, walk alongside, and hopefully soften the road a little for those walking similar journeys.

Although it has been 4 years, it's still a struggle to understand it all. There are still days where the pain feels so fresh and present. We have always been open with our story and our hope is that God can use it for his glory. That there can be beauty out of the ashes and even in tragedy, there is still hope. The hope of heaven and that someday everything will be made perfect and right.

These are some verses and songs that have been rolling around in my head that say it better than I can!

Isaiah 61:3 
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor    and the day of vengeance of our God,to comfort all who mourn,3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise    instead of a spirit of despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness,    a planting of the Lord    for the display of his splendor.

Tenth Avenue North - Worn
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn

David Crowder  - Come As You Are
Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

My Friend's Baby Died, How Can I Help?

I get contacted frequently about someone who has a had a friend or family member lose a baby and they want to know what they can do. It's heartbreaking how often I get asked this, but I am so glad that people are asking how they can help. Pregnancy and infant loss is real and those friends and family members need support, so thank you for reaching out!

What Can I Say?

So often we want to be able to fix or explain away the pain. In the situation of losing a child, you just can't. There's no reason or answer that is going to make the heartache stop.

- I'm so sorry.

- I don't know what you're going through but I'm here for you.

- Tell me about him/her (use the baby's name)

- When/if you want to talk about it, I want to listen (don't force, just being with someone in the silence is okay too)

- I know how you feel (Unless you have lost a child and truly do know how they feel)

- I'm thinking of you/praying for you

Things that are better left unsaid...
- "God needed another angel" or "God needed your baby"
- "You can have more kids"
- Anything that starts with "At least..."
-  Be thankful for the other children you do have
- Try to refrain from telling your own story (or your brother's aunt's second cousin's), just listen and be there. This is about them.

What Can I Do?

- Be present. Listen. Even if you are listening to silence or tears. Probably THE most important thing you can do is to just be there. You don't have to have the right words and you can't fix it.

- Don't judge. Grief is impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been there. Don't judge words, actions or reactions. There may be anger, sadness, laughter, or happiness. Every journey is different.

- Give a small gift (see below)

- Use the baby's name, remember the important dates (due dates, birth dates, date they passed away)

- Instead of saying "call me if you need something", offer to do practical, specific things. For example, "I'm coming over Tuesday to do your laundry", "I will bring you dinner Saturday evening", "I will call you tomorrow". And follow through!

- Keep checking up on them. Baby loss is very lonely. The rest of the world keeps moving while your world has stopped and it's a LOT to deal with. Other people get to go on with their lives while we struggle to figure out our new lives.

I want to give a small gift, do you have any ideas?

- Anything with the baby's name (a small handkerchief, blanket, stuffed animal or personalized necklace)

- Willow Tree angels

- Christmas ornaments with baby's name

- Personalized necklace with the baby's name or all of their children's names (on etsy search "personalized necklace")



Do you have any resources I can point them to?

NILMDTS - An organization that will come and take photos of the baby and family, all FREE. The photos we have are some of my most treasured possessions.

The TEARS Foundation (Specific to certain states) - Helps with financial assistance for funeral/burial expenses

This is an awesome little card that I ran across here. I've never seen anything else like it, but I think it's so wonderful.