It's been nearly 4 years but I keep circling back to this place. The place of loss and the sadness. At first, it was raw and heart wrenching pain that I never thought possible. Bursting out in tears at expected and unexpected times. In private, in public. Now, it comes in waves, sometimes catching me off guard. I still feel it so deeply, I don't think that will ever change. Sometimes, it amazes me that we, baby loss parents, can still carry on with our lives. I mean, I live every day without one of my children. Every.day. without knowing his smile, hearing his words, feeling his hugs. Every day with that ache in my heart for what will never be in this life.
The quiet moments are usually when it finds me. The still mornings watching the sunrise on my way to work, the song on the radio that always makes me cry, or the nights I stay up too late because I don't want to face the darkness. When I think about how different our lives would be. Sometimes I miss my life before the sadness. I don't think parenthood and sadness generally go hand in hand, but we have never known it differently. There is (lots!) of great joy in being parents, but we don't have experience being Mom and Dad without our grief. I wish I could know it differently. But I can't change what has happened, and so I will keep circling back. I will let myself circle because it matters. The sadness matters because he mattered.