This Kid

This boy. He has been all kinds of healing for my heart. He has been joy and smiles and all day snuggles.

He has been toothy grins and chubby hands touching my face. Curled toes that will carry him so far in his life. A little bit serious and mostly happy. A momma's boy. He has been 9 months of nursing, cuddling and bonding.

He has been fingers up my nose and a head on my shoulder. A moving, exploring, climbing boy. He has been brotherly love that we didn't know if we would ever get.

He is my alarm clock in the morning. Curious and independent. A tolerant little brother but can hold his own. An example of God's love, faithfulness, and goodness. Joy and hope.

Worth every single fear and "what if". Worth worry and every doctor's appointment. Every sleepless night and every stretch mark. It's all worth it.

And so, so loved. In big heart melting ways.

Baby Love

When I was pregnant with Ezra, I didn't know if I could ever love another baby as much as I loved Cohen. And then he was born. Honestly, it wasn't immediate like some people say, maybe because of our history and the fear of another loss. I felt like I had trouble connecting before he was born.

But now? Man I love this kid. Like, seriously really love him.

The chubby thighs.

The drool.

The gummy smile.

The big eyes.

The curled up toes.

The way his head finds that spot in my shoulder.

His soft hair.

His general contentedness with life.

The sometimes needy manner (that I'm okay with).

Love.

3 Months

My little pudge is 3 months old, I can't believe it!! It has been such a different experience in so many ways, having a full term, chubby baby.

I feel like we just stop and breathe this time around. I don't have to check on oxygen or feeding tubes, although I do still check on him all the time. Ezra is still sleeping in our room because he is still getting up a few times during the night (yawn). I love our mornings together. He gets up about 6 am to nurse and then snuggles in bed with me. The early morning light comes through the curtains and I just get to stare at him. His chubby cheeks and his little hands. I love to watch him sleep.

And he truly is a pleasant baby. Now that we've gotten his tummy troubles worked out, he rarely screams and is a pretty easy going fellow with plenty of smiles. I often find him rolled over in his bed from his tummy to his back, although he's never actually done it so we can witness it. He eats every 4 hours and is now taking good naps. We had a rough go in his first month or two. Poor fellow was so miserable that he would just scream all the time and not nap. Now that I've been off of dairy, he is so.much.better.

He weighed in at 14 lbs at his doctor's appointment. He just got his 2 month shots (we were a little late on his appointment) and slept for 2 days straight. The big boy is wearing 3-6 month clothes and some 6 month pajamas.

He is my little ray of sunshine who hates his carseat and drools a lot. He loves to "talk" and is such a smiley boy. He likes to try to sit up when we hold him. When he plays on the floor he bats at his toys and is fascinated by the same little hanging bug toy that Cohen was when he was a baby.

We are just loving having a "normal" baby experience!

Brothers

I have been so excited for the day when Cohen gets to have another brother. A brother that gets to stay with us and that he gets to grow up with. I am excited to see the relationship between these two continue to grow and I hope they will always be good buddies.

 When my nephew Eli came over to meet Ezra he asked if I thought Cohen liked having a brother. I told him that I thought he did and then he said "Yeah, I think it reminds him of when he was a baby". Back when he had Carter. I grieve so much for that relationship that they will never have beyond the womb. Two babies from the same beginnings, now separated. When we found out Ezra was a boy I was excited because I would get to Cohen's relationship with his brother. Obviously, Ezra isn't Carter and the relationship will be different, but I still get to see their relationship as brothers.

Cohen is already such a good big brother. Aside from the occasional car toss, which could be aimed at anyone or nothing, he is so sweet with Ezra. He likes to sit by him and bring him his binky. If Ezra is laying on the floor, Cohen will come and lay by him and "hug" (lay on and squish) Ezra. It's pretty cute. He is very concerned when Ezra cries and always makes sure that I know he's crying. He even shares Stinky with him (for a very short time until mommy takes Stinky off of Ezra's head because well...Stinky is gross).

I love these boys and the relationship they already have. I can't wait to see it grow and change over the years.

Newborn Photos

Love, love, love the pictures of Ezra!! Thanks again Blue Umbrella Photography! 

Family

As we continue to adjust to our little family of 4 here at home, I am so thankful for my family. When we moved back to my hometown, I wasn't so sure about having 90% of my family within (literally) a few blocks. But, it has been so wonderful. They have been an amazing support to us through the boys' births, losing Carter, and now Ezra and all the in between. And I love having them close by. I know we couldn't do any of this without them!!

Thank you to my wonderful family...for the meals, the grocery drop offs, the toilet paper, the ice cream, the company, the support, playing with Cohen, holding Ezra, and even helping clean our house! (I swiped a few of these pictures from Karen). We are missing a few siblings on here, but we love you all very much!

Birth Story: Ezra Andrew

*Warning: This is a birth story, things related to birth are discussed. Consider yourself warned!*


Well, I know that I had been saying all throughout my pregnancy that I wanted a true labor experience, and we got it. Probably even a little more than I wanted. I went in with my birth plan, a list of things that would be nice if they happened, but knowing nothing was set in stone and that ultimately, I wanted a healthy baby.

I had a Dr's appointment on Tuesday and things were progressing slowly, but nothing major. I spent the rest of Tuesday and that night in "false labor". I was eventually exhausted and knew they didn't want me to labor at home for very long since I was going to attempt a vaginal delivery after a c-section. I woke Danny up, not really thinking this was true labor but wanting to know what was going on, and we went in to the hospital. While I was having regular contractions, they weren't doing anything. I got a shot of morphine and was asleep by the time I got in the car. I slept the entire day Wednesday. Wednesday evening our doula came over to work some magic and so we could try and get Ezra in a better position and get things moving. It was suspected that he was head down, but face up. After that we went on a long walk and sure enough things started happening. I decided just to go to bed early and not worry about it and see what would happen.

About 1 am I woke up having contractions and a lot of pain in my back. I took a shower, made sure things were going to continue on, then woke Danny up and told him it was real this time. We called my mom to come over and stay with Cohen while we headed into the hospital. They checked me in and agreed that I was in labor. We called our doula and had my mom call my sister Karen, who was going to be taking pictures for us.

Around 3 am we got checked into our room and spent the next hours in labor. After a few hours of back labor I begged for my epidural. I work with the anesthesiologists whenever I am at work so it was weird to be on the "patient" side for a change. People always say 2 things about nurses: We "make the worst patients", and "if anything is going to happen, it will happen to a nurse". I think I may have lived up to both of those in the hours to come.

I got my epidural and was much more comfortable. I felt a little like I was cheating as I laid in bed and waited to get to the pushing phase. After a little while the doctor came in and told me they were seeing some decelerations in Ezra's heart rate and they wanted to put on another monitor to see more accurately what was going on. She also decided to break my water while she was there. They found out he had meconium in the fluid and that there would need to be a respiratory therapist and pediatrician there when he was born in case he had gotten any in his lungs. Everything looked fine with his heart when they got the monitor on. Then they thought Ezra was having some extra heart beats which they were also mildly concerned about and put on an additional monitor.

 At one point they were trying to get the monitor on Ezra's head and it wasn't connecting or picking up his heart beat. I could hear the nurses talking and one of them sounded a little worried and it totally freaked me out. I started bawling because I thought something was wrong and I was going to be back holding another baby who had died. My doctor and everyone else were good to get me calmed back down again. It's amazing how fast all those feelings of terror and other emotions come back.

Eventually I was dilated to 10 cm and it was time to start pushing. We knew that Ezra was in a funny position but were hoping that he would cooperate and we could avoid a c-section. We tried everything to get him to change position, me changing positions, the doctor manually trying to position him but he was being a stubborn boy. He earned himself an ultrasound to check his position and to check on some extra beats his heart was having. We found out he hadn't moved and that he was having the extra beats that were showing up on the monitor, which was something they just wanted to watch. I was starting to have a lot more back pain through my epidural so anesthesia came back in to give me some more medication in my epidural. When he went to put the medication in it was one of the worst pains I have ever felt. It made my back seize up and I could hardly move. After a few minutes it got better and we continued on.

After nearly 4 hours of pushing, numerous monitors and little issues, he wasn't coming down. He was stuck. They emptied the room to let Danny and I chat. I didn't want to give in and have a c-section, but I also didn't think I had enough energy to keep trying. Our doctor came back and Danny told her I didn't want to say I needed a c-section and she told me that I really did need one because we had tried everything and he just wasn't making any progress. I was nervous about how I would do and whether my epidural would have the same issues as it had earlier. I remember thinking how slow everything was moving as this was clearly different from my last c-section. I asked that Danny be allowed to be in the room with me the whole time as the previous time he hadn't been allowed in until right before they started and I wanted him with me, which they allowed thankfully.

I laid down on the table and the anesthesiologist went to give me more medication in my epidural. Sure enough the same thing happened and I was in horrible pain. I was also only numb on one side. We talked about just putting me all the way to sleep, but after a few minutes the pain got better and I was numb on both sides. The anesthesiologist then asked if he could put a mask on my face. I should have known, but didn't realize until I woke up later that he was giving me gas in the mask and medications in my IV to make me sleepy. I should have known the ole "breathe in this 'oxygen'" trick as it happens all the time at work as people go to sleep for surgery, but I was just too nervous about everything else I think.

I woke up drowsily after who knows how long and wondered how I had fallen asleep during my c-section. Ezra was born at 11:21 pm that night , after nearly 24 hours since labor started. Ezra was out and had been taken over to be worked on by the pediatrician and respiratory therapist as he wasn't breathing who had been called to be in the room because of the meconium, which didn't end up being an issue. His Apgar scores were 1, 4 and 5 ( Cohen's were 4, 5 and 6) so he wasn't cooperating very well. They couldn't hear air moving in his right lung and he wasn't breathing well on his own. He earned himself a trip to the special care nursery for a few hours while I was in recovery. I was still so out of it from the cocktail they slipped me that I didn't really know what was going on. I remember trying to see him and hear if he was okay but I was so drowsy. By the time he got to the SCN he was doing much better.

I had to be in the recovery room for 2 hours so I had Danny going back and forth to give me updates. Someone brought me pictures of Ezra as I hadn't actually seen him before they took him away. It almost didn't seem real that my baby was finally here. After I had done my time in recovery, they took me back to my room and brought Ezra back to stay with us. He was a big boy at 8 lbs 7 oz, 21 inches long. He had giant chubby cheeks and a nice conehead from being stuck for so long. Welcome, little boy. It's good to finally meet you!

The Reminder

I know things have been a little quiet on the words side of the blog. We are doing some adjusting over here. I have always tried to keep things truthful, so here's the truth: this is hard!

Having a newborn is hard, having a 2 year old is hard, having a newborn and a 2 year old is hard. Some of you will probably laugh, but right now, it's hard.

I also didn't anticipate how emotional I would be and how many wounds bringing home a rainbow baby (baby after loss) would open. I'm sure the hormones and exhaustion don't help. Initially, I thought if I could just get through the pregnancy that the rest would be easy. I was wrong. The pregnancy was hard, but bringing this little fellow home has been harder. We love him to bits and are thankful for him, but it is a painful reminder of the fact that we never got to bring Carter home and of how much I miss him and want him here.

There are a lot of nights where I just cry and cry. I know how "lucky" we are to have a perfectly healthy baby, but I also know how much I wanted to be Carter's mom. How much I wanted to rock him to sleep and change his diapers. Some days it feels like starting back at square one. Like that wound has been ripped wide open and all of those things that I hoped and dreamed for Carter, and lost, are right back in my face.

We love Ezra and Cohen with all of our hearts and we wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but there will always be a part of our family missing. And this thing called grief never really goes away. It's always there, it just depends how the waves are coming in and right now, they are coming in strong.

One Week

I can't believe it's been a whole week since this little fellow graced us with his presence. I'm pretty sure we've both been asleep for most of that week. We are still taking in the whole process of having a baby, bringing home a newborn, and introducing him to big brother.

Cohen seems to be taking it all in stride. He's been enjoying having visitors come to the house. He likes to give "baby binky" and sometimes tries to give him his cars. We've only had one eye poking event so far which I'm counting as a success.

We are still trying to decide who Ezra looks like. We've compared a few pictures to Cohen's but it's hard to tell since we didn't actually see Cohen's whole face until he was several months old. Ezra is a pretty mellow baby, but he definitely has a set of lungs when he is hungry, which is often. Our tall little fellow hardly fits in his newborn clothes, but I'm trying to squeeze him in some of them before we move up a size (!!!). It's funny to have him be too big for clothes that Cohen didn't wear until he was months old. So different.

We are mostly just hiding out at home, adjusting. Danny has been amazing and I'm so thankful for how much he has taken on so I can rest. He has a few more days off before he goes back to work, I don't know what I will do without him!!