The Reminder

I know things have been a little quiet on the words side of the blog. We are doing some adjusting over here. I have always tried to keep things truthful, so here's the truth: this is hard!

Having a newborn is hard, having a 2 year old is hard, having a newborn and a 2 year old is hard. Some of you will probably laugh, but right now, it's hard.

I also didn't anticipate how emotional I would be and how many wounds bringing home a rainbow baby (baby after loss) would open. I'm sure the hormones and exhaustion don't help. Initially, I thought if I could just get through the pregnancy that the rest would be easy. I was wrong. The pregnancy was hard, but bringing this little fellow home has been harder. We love him to bits and are thankful for him, but it is a painful reminder of the fact that we never got to bring Carter home and of how much I miss him and want him here.

There are a lot of nights where I just cry and cry. I know how "lucky" we are to have a perfectly healthy baby, but I also know how much I wanted to be Carter's mom. How much I wanted to rock him to sleep and change his diapers. Some days it feels like starting back at square one. Like that wound has been ripped wide open and all of those things that I hoped and dreamed for Carter, and lost, are right back in my face.

We love Ezra and Cohen with all of our hearts and we wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but there will always be a part of our family missing. And this thing called grief never really goes away. It's always there, it just depends how the waves are coming in and right now, they are coming in strong.