Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Processing the Birth

I will be the first to admit, I used to roll my eyes when people would complain about their "less than ideal" births. I would think to myself, they should just be happy they have a healthy baby.

Honestly, now I get it. I understand the disappointment of not having a birth go the way you wanted. Of course the twins' birth wasn't what I had in mind, but I feel like I was able to move away from the feelings of being let down because that was how it had to go. There isn't much of a choice when your babies need to come now and it is a matter of life and death. It was totally out of my control at that point.

With Ezra, we were really, really hoping for one of those ideal births. Where you work hard and you get to enjoy your baby. Where the lights are dimmed and that baby gets to be on your chest and you get caught up in the moment and cry tears of disbelief and happiness.

We know how blessed we are that Ezra is here and healthy. But as one thing after another came up, I saw my hopes of my "ideal birth" fading away. Ezra was stuck and I needed a c-section. I couldn't help but wonder though if there's anything else I could have done. I should have walked more, waited longer for my epidural, tried more positions for pushing. I shouldn't have let them put one monitor after another on him. It feels like I gave up, and I don't like that. This was my chance to have the birth experience I wanted and I wasn't able to do that. Whether it was actually anything I had control over or not, I'm not sure, but I'm disappointed.

I'm disappointed things go the way we were hoping. I'm disappointed that because my epidural wasn't working well that I was medicated and very groggy during my c-section. I'm disappointed that I was really out of it and didn't fully realize what was going on with Ezra when he was born. In some aspects, I think it's a good thing I didn't really comprehend it, but what if he had needed me? What if things hadn't turned around and I was so out of it that I couldn't be there for him? Instead of hearing him cry, I was dozing in and out and watching them try and get Ezra to breathe. I'm sad that the first time I got to see my baby was a picture they brought me from the special care nursery. I'm sad that instead of getting to hold and snuggle my boy that I had to wait two hours until I finally got to meet him.

When I was making our birth plan, I remember how silly some of the things seemed. To me, all the rest seemed like little things. I get that some of these things are not important in the grand scheme of things, but I was just really hoping for a birth experience that would let me know the true joy of having a baby. We are not disappointed in the fact that we have a healthy baby, which was the ultimate goal, I think I was just hoping to find a little more healing in the process and to have more of a positive labor and birth experience rather than just a means to an end. And just like everything that happened with the twins' birth, I am processing this experience as well, although on a much smaller scale thankfully and we love our pudge no matter how he got here.

1 comment:

  1. I'm with you. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a "normal" birth experience. My first baby who was born full term had swallowed meconium. She came out blue and didn't breathe for what seemed like forever. She didn't cry for a seemingly long time. At the time, I thought that was the worst thing ever. Once they sucked away the junk, she was perfectly fine, but I was still scarred by her coming out not breathing. Then the twins came super early, and it made her birth look ideal. We aren't having any more, so I guess I'll have to live vicariously through my sister's births which I was in the room for. Both her kids were born like babies are supposed to be born.