Monday, January 21, 2013

Then and Now

19 Weeks! Each week seems to go by quickly and slowly at the same time. We are in what I call "the danger zone" from 19/20-25 weeks when our world completely changed. We thought we had already been through a few challenges with the ultrasound results that showed that our Baby A may have a genetic problem and were sent to a genetic specialist. We knew that it was unlikely because of our age and health, but we also knew that if our baby had Downs or another genetic problem, it wouldn't change our decision on whether to keep both babies or not. It was never an option to decide not to keep one of our babies. We had no idea that eventually it would be a choice we didn't get to make in the opposite direction. After the genetics scare was the trip to the ER on vacation because I was having severe pain and spent most of our vacation in bed. Then it was talk of a shortening/funneling cervix, contractions, and twin to twin transfusion and eventually being admitted to the hospital.

Aside from the first few issues, most of this happened within a fairly short amount of time, about 5 weeks. Two weeks at home, three weeks in the hospital. But let me tell you, those 3 weeks in the hospital, were the longest of my life. When I think back on it, I'm fairly certain it had to have been longer than only around 20 days in the hospital, but I felt every.single.minute. Every day I laid in that hospital bed, feeling the contractions and feeling totally and completely frustrated and helpless. Trying to hold onto hope but really struggling to feel hopeful at all. There were days when I would literally look at the clock and wait for the next minute to come. It felt like endless days of monitoring, not being able to move for fear of starting all over again with trying to get the babies back on the monitors. Every night at exactly 7:00 pm I would call the nurses in and ask for my sleeping medication. Getting to bedtime was always my goal for the day. There was some relief in making it to the end of the day, but also the reality of doing it all again the next day. We were so thankful for each and every day our boys got to stay inside, but it was incredibly tiring.

And here we sit, approaching "the danger zone". While those days seemed neverending and full of pain and fear, I would do them all again in a heartbeat if that's what it took. I have nightmares about it all happening again. I know everyone says "it's a different pregnancy" and I repeat that to myself often. As we approach these next weeks, I am trying to appreciate each and every quiet moment that I have.  Every day I hope and pray for many, many more because I just don't think I would have the strength to do that again. Here's to hoping to get to continue to be a "normal" pregnant person (well you know, aside from the thousands of ultrasounds).


  1. Happy for normal so far!!! I'm praying for many more posts and a long uneventful pregnancy!!

  2. Praying for you. It's got to be completely impossible not to think of what happened with your boys. Deep breaths!

  3. I won't pretend I "get" how you're feeling, but I do understand why you're feeling that way. Please know so many of us are following, cheering and praying for your family each step of the way!