Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Happy Part

After my last post, I thought I should clarify a little. I am enjoying this pregnancy. Not every single moment is fear and anxiety. I actually have been feeling mostly calm and optimistic. I think the worries come out more on the blog because this is my place to put my feelings into words, whether they are feelings that I feel once a week, or every moment of every day. Even though I spend less time worrying than being happy, the hard thoughts and feelings seem to hold more weight. It helps me to be able to get them out so that I can focus more on the positive parts.

If you are someone who has had a preemie or lost a baby, or even if you haven't, I want to give an accurate picture of what this pregnancy has been like for us. Overall, it has been good. Yes, there is a fair amount of worry and fear and I don't want to downplay that either because it is our reality. But there is also joy at feeling this little baby kicking, and finding out that we are having another boy, and getting to see him on ultrasounds. I have been enjoying that I am finally starting to look a little pregnant and talking to my friends about babies. There is absolutely no way that you can go through what we've been through and not have lingering emotions from it. If you had gone rock climbing and fell off the cliff, you would still be worried the next time you went out. You would be anxious about your ropes and other equipment would support you and keep you safe. When something has failed you, you have to relearn to trust and past experiences greatly shape how that happens.

So, just so you know, I really and truly have been enjoying this pregnancy. We have so much to be thankful for, that so far my body is cooperating and that our little boy is looking healthy. After our last doctor's appointment I convinced Danny to take me to the store so we could pick out a little set of jammies to bring this little boy home in. They are hanging in our living room as my inspiration, just like I did with the boys' onesies in the hospital. It's exciting to think that we could be bringing home a baby boy who would actually fit in newborn clothes! So there you have it. Our journey does contain fear and being cautious with our emotions, but it does also include the joy of a new little boy to add to our family.

{Baby K3's very own football jammies} 

{And of course this little boy..."No mom, I wasn't about to throw the cup off my tray"}

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this post!

    I loved how you put that. Learning to trust after something has failed you. My body and I have had these trust issues for awhile. My first child was born sleeping at 16 weeks, right after we found out he was a boy. My daughter was term, but, she coded and we spent sometime in the NICU, gotta love to Ronald McDonald bed and breakfast. I never really knew how to explain this to anyone before. I mean, every time I would take the time to explain to someone what happened and why I was worried when I was pregnant with my Daughter, they would always say "Oh, well, your farther along now" or "Your 25 (30, etc) Weeks, they can keep babies alive now, don't worry about it so much." I know deep down that they just don't understand but, its hard to learn how to trust again.