30 WEEKS

30 weeks has been my goal since the beginning and we MADE it! I could not be happier. I had an appointment on Friday and if you follow us on facebook, you know I failed my first glucose tolerance test but passed my 2 hour one. My one hour results still came back high so my doctor suggested I cut back on carbs. I politely told her that would be cutting out all my favorite foods. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

I have graduated to being a normal person, at least in the pregnancy world. I will now just be checked as they do a regular person from 30 weeks to 40 weeks. I'm still not entirely sure what that means, but apparently I don't have to have more ultrasounds or NSTs unless something comes up and they feel like I need it. I had my fastest appointment ever on Friday. They checked my cervix (still good!) and measured my belly with a tape measure (30 cm). I've never had that done before. It was quite odd to not have any kind of ultrasound or test, but I quite enjoyed it. Other than the carb thing.

I have noticed my emotions becoming a little more...apparent? Here's a brief look inside the brain of a 30 week pregnant post baby loss, post preemie mom.

Anxiety: I am growing increasingly nervous about having to have a c-section. I have been told I'm a very good candidate to have a VBAC, but there is still that chance and it terrifies me. I have frequent dreams about going into preterm labor. I also have crazy thoughts about just having the baby now before something has the chance to happen. I always wonder if the boys would have been born just one or two days earlier if that would have changed anything. With them, it ended up being that the longer they were in there the worse things got (although obviously they also needed to be in as long as possible), so I think that part of it has stuck with me.

Excitement/Anticipation: I can't wait to hopefully have a baby and lay in my hospital bed and snuggle him. And put clothes on him. And introduce him to his big brother. And bring him home. And snuggle him some more.

Tears: Lots of tears. I cry, or think about crying, about just about everything. It probably is a combination of pregnancy hormones, the boys' second birthday coming up, and just all the emotions surrounding this pregnancy and birth.

Denial: There is a part of me that isn't quite ready to acknowledge we will hopefully be bringing home a baby. There is still that little part that says yeah, but what if....what if something goes wrong before he's born? What if something goes wrong at the last minute? What if something goes wrong after he's born? Spare me the lectures, I know I can't focus on it or let it consume me, but there is absolutely no way that I could go an entire pregnancy without the possibility crossing my mind. I have lost a child and those scars and wounds never go away.

Preparation: I've decided that now would probably be a good time to start getting ready. I have lots of things on my to-do list that I want to get done. Just little things like build a fence, pack a hospital bag, find a crib, do my spring cleaning. We'll see how much actually gets done.

And there you have it. I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared.