It feels so strange to be here at 30+ weeks. With the boys, we were counting every hour and days and everything that happened was in the 18-25 week range, so the idea of 32 weeks just seems so foreign.
I had a nice time of calm once we passed the 25 week mark and carried our way on to 30 weeks. I have noticed that my fears have been slowly creeping back in. Where before I worried about a miscarriage or having a baby at any second, now I find myself wanting Ezra out. I know he would still be considered a preemie and I certainly don't want that for him, but I'm nervous.
When I was pregnant with the twins, we were told over and over that every day they were inside was what was best for them. In the end, they ended up getting sicker because they were still inside and eventually their chances for survival were better on the outside than in. What was supposed to be better for them ended up being worse. We will never know if the boys had been delivered just a day or two earlier what the outcome would have been. Maybe they would have been weaker because they were earlier or maybe they would have done better because the effects of the TTTS weren't as advanced. I don't know, all I know is that in the end, my body was supposed to keep them safe and it didn't.
And now I worry about baby Ezra. I know in my head that this is completely different and we have no reason to think that there is anything wrong. But my heart tells me that my body failed and I am scared of that happening again. I want Ezra out where I can see him and touch him and hear him breathing and know that he's okay. I know some of you preemie parents are cringing at the thought of me even saying that, and I have hesitated to admit it anywhere other than in my head as well. Our past experiences play so much into everything that happens in our lives and this is one of those cases. I know it's not best for Ezra to be born right now. I know if he really was born right now that I would feel horribly guilty for even thinking that I wanted him to be born early. My heart is scared of losing another child right now and for me that is a very real fear, even though it doesn't make sense rationally.