Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Capture Your Grief - Day 18: Release

The prompt for the day was this: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

Death affects people in profound ways. Especially when it's someone who isn't supposed to die. It touches every part of my life, some for good and some that I wish I could let go of.

I worry about my babies. I know all parents do to some degree, but sometimes the fear of losing them is too much for me. I can't let Ezra sleep in our front room because I am genuinely afraid that something will happen to him and I will be too far away to protect him. I still go in to make sure Cohen is breathing at night. Ezra fell deep asleep one day and he wasn't moving. I made Danny go and try to rouse him because I couldn't bear the thought of having to find him no longer alive. It sounds morbid and paranoid, and sometimes, I am. Losing my child is a feeling that I never want to have to experience again.

I regret not spending more time with Carter, although I know no amount of time other than a lifetime would be enough. I want to let go of the irritation I feel for the people who didn't walk me through bathing Carter and holding him skin to skin and making molds of his hands and feet. Those are moments that I could have had that I will never get back. And I am sad that I didn't get those chances.

I do have deep sadness and while there are days that I just want to go back to not knowing that sadness, I also know that while it hurts, it reminds me how deeply I have loved someone. This whole grief journey wouldn't be so very painful if it wasn't about something that was so precious to me.

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