Death affects people in profound ways. Especially when it's someone who isn't supposed to die. It touches every part of my life, some for good and some that I wish I could let go of.
I worry about my babies. I know all parents do to some degree, but sometimes the fear of losing them is too much for me. I can't let Ezra sleep in our front room because I am genuinely afraid that something will happen to him and I will be too far away to protect him. I still go in to make sure Cohen is breathing at night. Ezra fell deep asleep one day and he wasn't moving. I made Danny go and try to rouse him because I couldn't bear the thought of having to find him no longer alive. It sounds morbid and paranoid, and sometimes, I am. Losing my child is a feeling that I never want to have to experience again.
I regret not spending more time with Carter, although I know no amount of time other than a lifetime would be enough. I want to let go of the irritation I feel for the people who didn't walk me through bathing Carter and holding him skin to skin and making molds of his hands and feet. Those are moments that I could have had that I will never get back. And I am sad that I didn't get those chances.
I do have deep sadness and while there are days that I just want to go back to not knowing that sadness, I also know that while it hurts, it reminds me how deeply I have loved someone. This whole grief journey wouldn't be so very painful if it wasn't about something that was so precious to me.
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