Thursday, October 10, 2013

Capture Your Grief - Day 10: Beliefs

I know this can be a touchy subject for some, and I also know that not everyone shares my beliefs, but I would still like to share them.

God is good, all of the time. This was hard for me, like, really hard. How can a good God allow people's children to die? I struggle greatly with this, and I don't have all the answers. Sometimes we wrestle with wanting to know why. I have come to the conclusion that on this earth, I may never know that answer and that I will drive myself crazy trying to find the answer. I have chosen to try to focus on the fact that it happened and now I can choose what I make of it.

God has never left me. I have walked away from him and then accused him of leaving me, but he has never left. He has always been there, waiting for me to come back to him. Even if I've yelled at him, cursed him, accused him, or ignored him. He always takes me back. As I struggle with those emotions, I have one of two choices. I choose to believe that everything I've said to be true is true, or I can call it all a bunch of lies and walk away. I've been in both places. But in those dark, hopeless moments, he has always been there. Whether it's through a Bible verse, a friend, or him speaking to me, I know he's there.

Everything happens for a reason? I don't believe that God caused my child to die. I do believe that he allowed it, but I don't think he was sitting in heaven thinking that I looked like a mom who needed to lose her child to learn a lesson. This may be debatable among some of you, but in this moment, I don't believe that. I do believe that I can learn many lessons from my situation and find new purpose in my life. I believe that God uses these hard times to draw us closer to him and to reveal his truths to us if we are willing to see them. Good things can come out of hardship. But I don't think he was sitting around twiddling his thumbs and taking babies because "heaven needed another angel". My God is kind and compassionate and caring. He knows what it's like to watch his son suffer and die and he is there with me in my pain.

God can handle it. I have been angry (so, so angry). And God can handle that. He knows that we aren't perfect, and I don't think he has called us to blindly accept things as "the way they are". He has given us thoughts and emotions and choice and the freedom to explore those things. I have gone to those dark places, with thoughts and emotions that overtake me and threaten to upset everything I've ever known. And I always come back to God. And he can handle anything I can throw at him. 

This isn't it. I don't believe that this life is all there is. I find it sad to know that there are people that believe this life is all there is. If it is, then what's the point? We die and it's just...over? We struggle and grow and change and affect others, all for nothing? I know that when I die, I will go to heaven. I will be reunited with my loved ones, I will be free from hurt and pain, and mostly importantly, I will get to see God. I can't wait. I also know that Carter is in heaven. And some days, that is the only thing that brings me comfort. He is there not because of anything I did or he did, but because of Jesus. Because he has taken away all of our sins, my baby can be with him forever. And that's pretty much the best thing I've ever heard.

So there you have it. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, but I do know that God exists and that he has a plan for my life.

Also, this article has been circulating that I found very interesting about the ole "God won't give you more than you can handle" issue.


  1. Absolutely love this. Thank you so much for posting it!

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this (and for all your posts). We lost our first child to a complicated miscarriage at 15 weeks and then had twins at 25 weeks. Our son has multiple challenges due to severe bilateral brain bleeds. The past three years (since we lost our first child) have been the hardest of my life. And the beliefs you listed above are all ones I have struggled with over and over and over again. Thank you for sharing how you are still trusting in and believing in God. On the dark days when I can only cry and question and wonder "what in the world is going on!?!," it is comforting to know I am not alone. I am not alone because God is with me, but I am also not alone because there are others (like you) on this earth who can relate to the questions and the pain. Thank you for being open and honest. Your words help to bring healing to my heart.

  3. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

  4. AMEN!!! Wonderful post!!! Really well written and thought provoking. I hope many mommies will find this post and receive the hope you have!