Day 12: Article
I've read lots of articles. The one that has stuck with the most is this one from the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth. Grieving the loss of a multiple is such a unique experience in that you are grieving for a lost baby and celebrating for a living baby. You are in anguish for the parent you don't get to be while trying to be the parent you do get to be. You are saying goodbye to "twins" and the life you thought you would have and getting used to words like "surviving twin" or "single twin".
From the CLIMB website:
"One twin" – it seems like a contradiction in
terms...It was not something we ever would have imagined at the time of
learning that we were expecting twin babies, and everything became
"twos". Yet for so many of us, because of the high risks in pregnancy
and birth, it is the way it turned out: we have one to care for and
raise while missing and mourning for his or her twin. We experience all
the realities of becoming a parent at the very same time as all the
realities of becoming a bereaved parent, and all in one package. Not
this year and next year, but all at once now, and "my twins". We
grieve for our baby and for our twins being together, and we worry about
the impacts on our survivor. It is often a deeply sad, confusing, and
physically and emotionally exhausting time. We're the last ones who
need to be told to be grateful when a baby lives – yet finding joy in
our survivor can be a huge challenge, for so many reasons, even though
we need and want to all the more, and want our child to be happy.
As
if this weren't enough, many of us experience feeling like we don't fit
in anywhere, and that no one understands what we are having to go
through and cope with. We also usually receive comments by others who
may mean well but aren't trying to "get it", urging us to downplay or
even deny our loss. (Like we want to hurt so much – but it hurts more
to act like this baby was the only one or that our other child didn't
matter.) With all the attention paid to living multiples, and little
shown of the risks and realities, it is also easy to feel that we truly
are the only one and are much more unique than (sadly) we actually are.
Just
when others think we are or should be doing fine, is often when we need
the most support. Because of all the realities and pressures of
caring for a newborn (and for many, having a tiny survivor who is in the
NICU) none of us is in the position of being able to "only" grieve, as
painful as that is. Many of us find that the grieving process really
begins when we bring our survivor home, and for many of us that means
after weeks or months in the NICU (and just when others might think
everything would be "normal" now). Later also there are pressures from
others and from within ourselves to be "fine", to be coping, to not
expect to spend much time thinking about our baby who died or doing what
we need to do in relation to him or her. Sometimes we get used to
putting our grief to the side and then it can seem scary to get in touch
with it when we do have the opportunity or the need.
But – we
have the same amount of grief as anyone who loses a baby, plus the grief
for "my twins" and the concern for our survivor, and so it gets
stretched out over a fairly long period of time – longer, not shorter
because of having a survivor, and complicated, not "easier". Besides our
sheer feelings of losing our baby, we have a great deal to re-live and
process emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically about
what happened, "why" it happened, and how to somehow integrate it all
into our ongoing life. While all that is going on, we are dealing with a
birthday which is also the birthday, and then the anniversary, of our
twin who died...other landmarks and day-to-day reminders...issues about
talking to our survivor and about what they may be feeling, and similar
for any older children we may have...and often, issues about another
pregnancy.
All of this is a big order, especially when we think
we're supposed to do it without appearing to be, and without support.
We don't recommend you try it alone! and hope that this section and
others in this site will be helpful in some way. This section is
focused on the loss of a twin during pregnancy, at birth, or in the days
or weeks after birth. Also in this site are sections on the loss of a
twin or multiple to SIDS (which is relevant to other sudden losses in
infancy), and the loss of an "older" twin or multiple (after the age of
1). The section If You're Pregnant Now focuses on the needs of those
who learn during pregnancy that one of their multiples has died ("going
longer"), or will not survive past birth ("knowing ahead"), or who are
pregnant after one twin has born born prematurely and died ("delayed
interval delivery"). Also, we are in the process of constructing a
section on raising and talking to surviving twins and multiples.
Day 13: Books
In their grief, some people go straight to books. I was trying to juggle the NICU and other things so I didn't have a ton of time to read. The two books I found most helpful were "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo and "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. I highly recommend both of these books.
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