Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rejoicing

I spent some time crying last night, which really isn't anything new, but this time it was different. This time it was for Cohen. I was looking through pictures of him throughout his NICU stay and I was just overwhelmed with how much he has been through.

Those of you who have been reading for awhile know most of what he has been through, and for how hard his life has been. I remember him spending 2 months on the ventilator, bleeding in his lungs and brain, a horrible skin rash that they thought was throughout his body, a PDA, crappy lungs, ROP, having his little feet poked over and over for blood, kidney failure, and the day his breathing tube came out and he turned grey in my arms. At 11 months old, he has had more than his fair share of "life" but I truly believe it will shape the person he is going to become and will just be a part of his story.

I'm not sure why it's hitting me now, if it's because we are getting closer to the time the boys were born. He has been through so much and he truly is amazing. My heart hurts for everything he had to go through and that I couldn't protect him from it. There was a period of time where I feared letting myself love this little boy because I didn't know if I was going to get to keep him. And now he occupies such a huge part of my heart. Those pudgy little fingers that wrap around mine when he drinks his bottle. That one little dimple on his cheek. The long, long toes that we noticed on both boys when they were born.

After last night's tears, today I am rejoicing. Rejoicing in what a strong, driven little boy we have been given. I am so incredibly thankful that we still have him here with us and for every moment we get to spend with him. He brings me more joy than I ever thought possible and I just can't even imagine my life without him. 

{This is Cohen wearing his Gramma's wedding ring on his arm}


8 comments:

  1. It's truly amazing what little miracles we have!

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  2. "There was a period of time where I feared letting myself love this little boy because I didn't know if I was going to get to keep him." I am at that stage right now with my little boy. Nice to now it isn't just me.

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    1. Hey Sarah, I tried to leave a comment on your blog but for some reason it wouldn't let me. The NICU journey is really a rough one, full of SO many ups and downs as you well know. Hang in there, take it one day at a time. You will be in my prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you through!

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  3. I remember not fully comprehending the trauma that happened to my babies until after about a year also. You are so caught up in survival mode that it's hard to reflect on what happened. I can only imagine that must be magnified so much more by dealing with the loss of your son. I have to share this story and song with you. You may have heard it before. When I heard it for the first time, I was sobbing. This song expresses that exact feeling of being "afraid to love something that could break."

    Here's the songwriter's story - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoeGKOXeO-s

    and here's the song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50ygAc2qP5A&feature=related

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  4. What beautiful pictures, I am so sorry you had to go through so much.

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  5. Oh, that fear of loving someone that you might have to let go...I felt the same way! I'm finding that the month or so leading up to Isabella's birth is difficult each year. I'm hoping that as each year passes, I'll heal a little more...and maybe you will too. We just celebrated Isabella's 2nd birthday yesterday. It's challenging for me to stay in the present day, instead of reliving her actual birthday. Thanks for the reminder to rejoice in how strong and resilient our babies have been!
    Rachel

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    1. Happy Birthday Isabella!!! I was just thinking about you guys, maybe that's why :)

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  6. It gets you at the weirdest times, doesn't it? Even now, 4 years later, I'll be rubbing my kid's feet and see the scars from all the pokes and lines he received and I just hug him tighter, praising God that they are with me. They are just little white dots, and I'm sure they will fade with time just like our scars. Sending you prayers, my dear.

    Andrea

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