This week is hard. In 6 days, it will be my boys' first birthday. Part of me wants to just go to bed and sleep until it is past, Cohen won't know he never had a first birthday party right? But, my boys deserve to be celebrated. It's just that so many memories and broken dreams are coming back up and making it a challenge.
I have been trying pretty hard to keep myself busy and not "go there" to the dark place where everything hurts. At the same time though, I think I need to go there to some degree. I don't need to stay there, but I need to let myself hurt and feel the pain of losing my baby. It's not easy and it doesn't feel good, but I know if I don't go there at least a little bit now, it will come back again later.
For now, I'm trying to find the balance of celebration and sorrow. This isn't anything new, we've been working on it since the day our boys were born and we said hello and goodbye. I think this week I am going to try and do something every day to celebrate my boys (getting Cohen's handprints, getting something new for Carter's grave, writing letters to the boys) and also let myself feel the feelings that I have. I know that the build up to the milestone is usually harder than the actual day so I am trying to hold on to the hope that I will be able to celebrate and feel good on the boys' actual birthday. Until then, I'm treading water and trying to make it through. I'm going to make it, I know I am but it's hard and it hurts.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I can't fathom what you are going through, but I'm lifting you up in prayer.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michelle... I am praying, too.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying fro you this week. I agree the build up is difficult. Just know that this is a season and it will get better. I love the ways you will be celebrating your boys!
ReplyDeleteYou've especially been in my prayers this week! I know what you mean & it is difficult but I was determined that I didn't want Hannah Kate's birthday to always be sad. I tried to plan fun things all day long (especially since I was alone with her all day). I know she won't remember, but I took pictures of all the fun stuff & that's what she will see when she's bigger. Hugs & prayers!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for keeping us in your prayers, we truly appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you all week, Jana and we are praying for you and Danny.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family this week. God will provide all that you need...trust in him. I think it's a GREAT idea to do something everyday to celebrate both of your boys. I hope that brings healing and peace...
ReplyDeletePERMISSION TO MOURN
ReplyDeleteIs granted to the holder of this certificate,
Jana Kimmel
Is hereby entitled to publicly acknowledge her loss, mourn openly, to share narratives of the loss, and to recruit social support in her own way and time, without apology or embarrassment.
Tears, memories, silence, uncertainty, and strong emotions are hereby enfranchised.
Please treat this griever with kindness, compassion, and love.
This certificate has no expiration date.
Hugs, Jennifer
My cousin sent me that certificate this week and it meant so much to me I wanted to share it with you. You might have already been 'given' one, but if not there it is.... just for you. Jen
ReplyDelete