This week is hard. In 6 days, it will be my boys' first birthday. Part of me wants to just go to bed and sleep until it is past, Cohen won't know he never had a first birthday party right? But, my boys deserve to be celebrated. It's just that so many memories and broken dreams are coming back up and making it a challenge.
I have been trying pretty hard to keep myself busy and not "go there" to the dark place where everything hurts. At the same time though, I think I need to go there to some degree. I don't need to stay there, but I need to let myself hurt and feel the pain of losing my baby. It's not easy and it doesn't feel good, but I know if I don't go there at least a little bit now, it will come back again later.
For now, I'm trying to find the balance of celebration and sorrow. This isn't anything new, we've been working on it since the day our boys were born and we said hello and goodbye. I think this week I am going to try and do something every day to celebrate my boys (getting Cohen's handprints, getting something new for Carter's grave, writing letters to the boys) and also let myself feel the feelings that I have. I know that the build up to the milestone is usually harder than the actual day so I am trying to hold on to the hope that I will be able to celebrate and feel good on the boys' actual birthday. Until then, I'm treading water and trying to make it through. I'm going to make it, I know I am but it's hard and it hurts.