Thursday, May 10, 2012


In the last little bit, I feel like my perspective has changed some. Of course I still miss Carter like crazy and wish every day that he was here with us. But, I've started to feel a little bit of joy when I think about him. When I see the pinwheel out in our yard blowing in the wind, I smile and think of him.

 Today, I am at peace. I will always be the mom to two boys. My twins. They will always be my little gifts from God. This isn't to say that I am "over it" or that there aren't hard days coming, but today, I am okay.

In this moment, I feel like I am going to make it. I feel like I have been in the lowest valleys possible, the death of Carter and the critical illness of Cohen, and I'm still here. I'm still going. I may not be going quickly, and most days I feel like I only have half a brain, but I'm going. I am ready to not feel defined by circumstances. The circumstances are a huge part of my life and they always will be, but I don't want them to define me. I want them to fuel me forward and continue to change my life. I can't change what has happened, no matter how much I want to. I can't change it. But I can decide where to go from here. I can decide how am I going to use what Carter's life meant to me.

I will always feel the loss of Carter. I also know that I am still going to have times, in an hour, in a day, in a week, where I don't feel okay, but for this moment, I am okay. Thank you for all your continued prayers, they mean so much to us.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope" Romans 15:13

In case you need a Cohen fix, check here or here.


  1. Oh man Jana. I feel you in that:) Just blogged today..... See you tomorrow night!!

  2. This really made me smile, I am so thankful I visited you tonight. I have been feeling overwhelming sadness today, this gave me the hope I need that it will pass. Like you I want Jonathan's life to make me better. Thank you for sharing your heart, I am saying a prayer for you now!