Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Not the End

Death is one of those things that just isn't final. In some ways, it is. Carter is gone and we will never be together on this earth. That's pretty final. I will never see his little hair sticking up allo over when I get him out of bed. I will never get to know if he would be naughty or a momma's boy. But death is also ongoing. I can't just walk away and close the door on the fact that my son is gone. I still think about him every day. I wonder who he would be and what he would be like. I wonder if we made the right decisions for him. We deal with the effects of death every day.
The other day, we had to take our kitty into the vet. He had been limping and acting funny for a few days so we decided to take him in. I was practically in a panic before his appointment. I was convinced that they were going to tell us we had to put him to sleep and I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't make that decision and I couldn't watch him die. It seems sort of silly, I mean I love Russell, but I don't always like him. And here I was, in tears over thinking that he wasn't going to make it. It took me right back to the day the boys were born. When we knew our babies were sick. We hoped and prayed we wouldn't have to make "the decision". And there we were, being told Carter was dying when moments earlier we had heard his little heart beating on the monitor. I couldn't bear the thought of having to make that decision again, even if it was just for our kitty.

Thankfully, it turns out Russell just got in a brawl with another cat while he was outside, he's on antibiotics and he will be fine. We can move on. But how do you move on when it's your child? Dealing with death isn't over and it has changed our lives. We will never be the same people we once were. Although it's hard and there are seemingly constant reminders of death and how it has affected our family, it's also a reminder. Death isn't final. Jesus has conquered death and it isn't the end. If it were the end, we wouldn't have the hope of seeing Carter again and that is one of the things that I cling to the most. The joy and hope of being reunited with my son. I can't wait.

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy...So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:20&22

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

2 comments:

  1. First, I read this the other day and loved it but never left a comment. So amazing and so true! Second, thank you for your sweetness and yes I wish he would freakin stop boasting about us cuz well, it's ticking me off! :) thank you for your prayers, they are deeply appreciated!

    Nicki

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read all of your blogs and usually don't comment on your more serious ones because I just don't know what to say. Still don't know what to say except for thank you for sharing! Your honesty is touching and your perspective is clearly Spirit-filled. I admire that a lot.

    ReplyDelete