Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Trip Home

I am at home for the first time in 5 weeks today. We are having a very small memorial for Carter with our immediate families up in Lynden. This will obviously be a very hard trip for me emotionally as I haven't been home in such a long time and it is for my baby's memorial. When you get pregnant this isn't the kind of thing you ever imagine having to do. We are grieving the loss of our baby and also of "our twins". Cohen will never know his twin brother. We were in shock when we found out we were having twins. After shock became reality, we spent many hours daydreaming about having twins and how we would put them in the same crib at first because they would be used to being together, we thought about how they would always have a playmate around, how they would be really good friends, and how they would be the quarterback and wide receiver on their high school football team. It's different to grieve someone who has lived a good long life and your child who you will never get to see grow up or experience life.
While it is good to be home, it was so hard leaving Cohen. I know he is in good hands, but I miss him like crazy and at the same time that I want to be here, I want to be there. I feel like there is some kind of disconnect, like I have two lives. In a weird way, being at home feels strangely normal, like I should still be pregnant and we should still be getting ready for babies, or like it was all just a really bad dream. There are things to clean, laundry to do, and bills to pay. At the same time, I know I have a baby in Seattle waiting for me to come back. And a hotel room that isn't my home and this strange other life that will be my normal for awhile. I can't explain it well other than that I'm not sure my two worlds have connected yet.
We do have a Cohen update, but I will do that later. Please keep him and us in your prayers as we are away and have a very hard day ahead of us.


  1. Praying and sending all our love! Please know that so many are lifting you all up in prayer!

  2. My heart goes out to you!! Take care and know that you are loved and thought of today.
    Auntie M

  3. Jana, I am so sorry for the loss of a baby boy. He will live forever in your heart. My baby girl would have been23 yesterday, so I can relate a little with what you are feeling. I am praying for you and for Cohan. Agape. Bonnie VanFossen

  4. *sending my love and thoughts to you all*