3 Weeks Old & Some Thoughts

Cohen is 3 weeks old today! I say this every week, but time goes by so fast...I will probably be saying that for the rest of his life. After chasing him around with his insulin for a few days trying to control his blood sugar which was going really high and then dropping down low, the doctor decided to just turn off his insulin completely and see what happened. Instead of poking his little foot hourly to check his blood sugar they are now only checking every 6-8 hours. He has been off insulin since yesterday and his blood sugars have been stable. Hopefully this will give his body a chance to regulate itself out and control his blood sugars on his own and give his foot a chance to heal. He is at really high risk for infection and any time you break the skin you are increasing that chance, and his body sure doesn't need anything else to work on! Pray that his blood sugars continue to be stable and that he doesn't get any infections. Cohen is lower on his oxygen but has gone up on the volume being put into his lungs to help them expand a little more. He also got his breathing tube readjusted this morning and has had a good blood gas since then. His doctor doesn't consider increasing his ventilator settings a step back necessarily, just part of the road.

Dear Cohen,
We can't believe you are 3 weeks old today! You and your brother were the best gifts your mom and dad could have asked for. It's amazing how much you have changed in the last few weeks and we are so excited to watch you continue to grow. You are already developing your own personality. You always keep the doctors and nurses on their toes by doing things your own way instead of the "normal" way. We think that maybe you like all the attention you get because you love to set off your alarms. The more that go off at the same time, the better. We think that you have your mommy's nose and we know you have your daddy's long fingers and toes. We also know you have your dad's tummy because you love eating and you have never had any problems in that area! We know that God must have a pretty special plan for your life and we are excited to see what that is. You are the strongest little boy and we are so proud of you. We know you will continue to keep fighting. You are a perfect little boy and we are so thankful for you. We love you very, very much.
Love, Mom & Dad

I started writing this post this morning and had to stop because I was crying so much. I was thinking about how unfair it was that Carter will never have his 3 week birthday with his brother. Honestly, I was sad and angry. I was having a pretty bad morning and I just couldn't stop crying. I called a close family friend and had a pretty long talk with her. One of the things that our pastor said at Carter's memorial was that this wasn't a mistake. I have been wrestling with this thought since then. Our friend asked me if I was angry at God and I admitted that I was. I was mad that I felt like he had taken Carter away from us. She reminded me that God loves us deeply and he doesn't want bad things for us. He isn't malicious and mean. She told me that God had saved Carter, he will never have to know pain, fear, or sin. He is in heaven in the arms of Jesus, perfectly healed. If we asked him if he wanted to come back and live on earth would he say yes? He is in the best place he could ever be and I don't think he would ever choose earth over heaven with the Lord. The Bible says that God never promised that we wouldn't have pain and go through trials, they are part of living on earth with sin. But he does promise that he will never leave us. Does life always make sense? Do I understand God's plan? Not yet, but someday I will. There is some purpose to this. And someday I will get to be with my baby again in heaven. Until then, I find comfort in knowing he is with Jesus, who I'm sure is letting his Great Gramma rock him once in awhile!
This same family friend gave me a book called "Jesus Calling" awhile ago when I first started having problems in my pregnancy. God knows what I will be facing for the day and they always seem to speak right to my heart. This is the one from today:

"Stay calmly conscious of Me today, no matter what. Remember that I go before you as well as with you into the day. Nothing takes me by surprise. I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, so long as you look to Me. I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents. Collaborating with me brings blessings that far outweigh all your troubles. Awareness of My presence contains Joy that can endure all eventualities"

Please pray that I will constantly give my heart to the Lord as I continue to process all of this. That I will be thankful even in the midst of trials and sorrow. That I will look to the Lord for everything I need and not get caught up in myself. Please also pray for our physical health. Obviously, we have been under a fair amount of stress and both Danny and I have woken up over the weekend feeling like we may be getting colds. I tried to stay away from the nicu today because I definitely don't want to give Cohen anything. It's really hard not to see my little guy when I am used to being there all day. So please pray that this will not turn into a cold and that I can fight off whatever it is. And here's a picture for you if you made it all the way to the end of this.