The other day I came across a shirt that I haven't seen in awhile. When I saw it I felt this great sadness come over me. I tried to think if something significant that had happened while I was wearing the shirt. I couldn't pinpoint anything exactly, but I think it just made me think of before. You know, before our boys were sick, before when I still had them both.
It's the shirt that I wore for one of my last weekly pregnancy pictures at home, standing in what was to be our twins' room. My hair is a mess from laying in bed. I remember that I had this horrible feeling deep down in my heart that things weren't going to turn out how we wanted. I just knew it. I tried to ignore it and hoped and prayed that I was wrong. That's what that picture looks like to me...like I was going through the motions of being pregnant, but that I knew I wasn't going to get my happily ever after. The smile on my face is a different one than in those first weeks. I remember wondering if we should even be taking these pictures, because did we want the reminder? At first I had always thought that I would never want maternity pictures, just for my own personal reasons. Then, after things started to get scary with the boys, I wanted them. I had asked Danny if we could and he said yes. But, we never got to it. In the end, I'm glad that we have those other pictures, because of course those are pictures of when I still had both of my boys. Back when we were still parents of twins.
Sometimes I wonder why it had to be my child. Not that I would ever want it to be anyone else's child, but why mine? Why do I have to be the mom that doesn't get to see her child grow up? Why was I chosen for this journey? Why couldn't I have had him just a little longer? Why does Cohen have to grow up without his brother? Sometimes I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to fall apart. I remember telling someone shortly after the boys were born that I wanted off of the roller coaster I was on.
I still haven't worn that shirt again, even though it's a regular shirt, not a maternity one. I just shoved it back into the drawer until I decide what to do with it. I wouldn't trade either of my boys for anything in the world. If I had the choice to never have known them or to go through what we went through, I would do it all again. I just wish it could be different. I know it can't, and I know that some good will come out of this, but some days are just so hard.