Frustration

So, I'm sure you are wondering how our visit with the OT went in regards to Cohen's possible sensory issues. Well, of course, Cohen had been running a low grade fever and was just feeling a little under the weather. He was a perfect angel. He drank his bottle for her, he played with toys, sat completely still while she talked to him, didn't squirm, writhe, or arch his way out of her arms. I was thankful that his regular OT had tagged along and she was able to confirm that this was not his normal self. I was beginning to feel a little bit crazy. We go back tomorrow to see if she can actually do an evaluation.

It is very frustrating to not be able to give your baby what he needs. Or to not know what he needs. What works wonders one day does nothing the next. Some days, all we can do is put him in his crib, swaddled, in the dark. And he likes it. He will lay in his crib and talk and just be content for longer than he can play with toys or on the floor. It's frustrating that he wants to be alone. In the dark. By himself, not with his mom. Sometimes I feel like I can't help him and that is really hard. I can't be the comfort that he wants and needs. Especially when I felt like I couldn't really be his mommy for the 4 months he was in the NICU and then when we got him home I was supposed to be the one to be able to care for him however he needed. And I just don't feel like that's happening. And it doesn't feel good.

Lots of people tell me they had busy babies, but with him it just feels like there couldn't possibly be anyone busier! Some days I feel like I'm just making something out of nothing and some days I literally can't get anything done because I am constantly trying to keep him busy. The only thing that sort of makes me feel better is that other people have brought it up as well, so I don't feel like I'm completely off my rocker. I just don't know how to fix it or help me and that is the hardest. Some days I just want to scream and pull all my hair out. It's almost like he knows how hard he had to work to get here so he just wants to experience everything RIGHT NOW. I just have to remind myself that that little personality and fighting spirit is what helped him through. But, it's still hard. Totally worth it for this little face, but hard.