Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The One Years

We are coming up on more of our "one year ago" milestones. So far they haven't been too hard. The one year ago we found out we were having twins, one year ago we found out they were boys, one year ago Cohen had a funny test result.

But now, the hard ones are coming. I didn't think it would affect me this much but I can already start to feel it sneaking up. Even a few days ago, I was talking to a friend and telling her that I thought I was doing okay. And then just like that, it hit me. May. The month when things started to get really hard. When we found out that the boys would be early, it would just be a question of how early. We were told that our babies weren't viable and at this point there would be nothing that could be done to save them. We were diagnosed with TTTS. I stopped working and was put on bedrest at home. And then the day I went in for my appointment and was told to go home and pack some things and drive to Seattle to be admitted to the hospital. Those days were so, so hard. There were many tears, prayers, and pleas for my boys.

And now, those days are coming back to me. I can't believe it's been a year and yet it seems like just yesterday. My friend and I also talked about how there are certain triggers that bring back so many of those feelings and emotions. For me, it's double strollers reminding me of how I thought my life would be. It's that shirt I found in my closet that I wore while I was pregnant. It's sitting on the couch where I spent my days on bedrest. It's the weather. It's just all coming back like a big rush and I can't get away from it. I suppose these are things that I need to go through. It's just hard to feel like I am reliving those days of fear and the unknown. But, there were also good moments. The moments I could lay on the couch and feel my boys moving around. Where I could see their little rumps or heads or arms or something poking out of my belly. Back when I had them both.

There are days when I leave the house and as I leave, I turn around and look at my house just how it is. I remember coming home for the first time after the boys were born. It had probably been around a month since the last time I had seen my house. I walked through the front door and it was just so strange to see my house exactly the way we had left it that night we drove to the hospital, like nothing had changed. Except everything had changed. Everything we knew had been turned upside down.

The death of Carter and the roller coaster of having a NICU baby seem to be two huge life events in themselves, but we were experiencing them simultaneously, while not being able to really fully deal with either of them. 

It's going to be hard, I know it is. As the days come and I go through those "one year ago" moments, it's going to be so hard. I wish I could just skip over it or hibernate for a few months and wake up when it's over, but I know this is something that I need to go through, despite the pain.

My friend sent me this and I just thought she said it so perfectly. "This single twin loss thing with a micropreemie survivor is a unique and complicated journey.  Grief for Carter didn't hit all at once because you were wrapped up in using all of your strength, gratitude, and faith to keep Cohen alive.  Only now that he is home and growing well and life has mellowed some in those scary medical ways do you have ability to be emotionally punched in the gut. You are coming up on all of the "firsts," only this time you don't have the luxury of the unknown or the escape of shock/denial.   You know exactly how it all went down and you are dreading reliving it.  You are not crazy.  You are not sinking into an emotional abyss from which you will never escape.  You are not being ungrateful for the blessing that you have in Cohen's survival.  You are not taking an alarming step backward in your healing process. Your faith in God is not faltering.  This is just part of this weird journey and I wish that I could just help you bypass this messy business entirely... but I can't  :(   You can do this.  You can do hard things, after all.  VERY hard things" Thanks friend, I needed that, and I hope I can do it.


  1. Great words from what sounds like a great friend. She is right in every way and so are you...feel like hibernating until it's over but it will be good for you to get thru it. It will make you stronger, if that is even a possibility! I will be praying for you and your family as this time approaches...and so sorry again for the loss of your sweet one.


  2. Hi, Im Nan, here from Teshas blog. Big hugs as you approach your babies birthdays, I can only imagine the split feelings you will have...I will pray you have the strength to embrace it the best that you can. Big hugs xo xo xo

  3. I am visiting from Tesha's link up.
    I am a babyloss momma to twins do to TTT's, at alittle over 13 weeks,and I also had to say goodbye to my last born daughter...(((hugs)))
    I pray that the Lord gives you comfort and peace as your boys birthdays approach.

  4. Hang in there! Hugs from the East Coast!

  5. HI you are so right milestones are hard. I have never rally cared about dates however, now I notice the days a lot more. I think the year of first will be really hard also. It would be nice to sleep through them like you said. I am saying a prayer for you now that god would give you the strength to endure all of the firsts! Hugs friend I am so glad you linked up!

  6. Jana, hang in there, you are stronger then you ever thought. I'm praying for you. Love you, Agape, Bonnie VanFossen

  7. Prayers for you! I know exactly what you mean. What a blessing to have such a great friend who understands and can have such comforting words for you!

  8. Hang in there! The moment I met your family and Cohen in the NICU is a moment that is unforgettable. I admire your courage to be so strong for your boys. No doubt they are proud of their mom!