Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (Take 17)

Danny and I had a nice night away. We stayed at our friends cabin in North Bend for a night. It was a nice relaxing time playing games and watching movies. Danny and I had been planning to go on a hike but settled for resting and watching Avatar instead. It's been good for us to get away from the hospital together here and there. We of course miss Cohen, but I think for our sanity it's a good thing. The cabin had a Christmas tree up in it (year round) and it made me so happy. For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE Christmas so I was pretty excited to see that tree :)

We are back at the hospital now and I am watching my boys sleep. Danny holding Cohen in the recliner chair, both boys snoozing away. Cohen had another blood gas this morning and his CO2 was even higher. So, back on the high flow he went. He is back on 3L high flow nasal cannula. Not what we wanted, but what is best for him. Generally, babies on high flow aren't allowed to breastfeed at all, but our nurse put in a request to the Drs while we were gone since Cohen loves to practice eating. So they made an exception and he gets to practice on a "dry breast", so I pump and then let him nurse but he doesn't really get anything, it's just so he can keep practicing. Two steps forward, one step back. This is life in a NICU. I am trying not to let myself get discouraged. I am trying to keep reminding myself of how far Cohen has come. His Drs explained it saying that Cohen has gained weight nicely and his body has grown but now his lungs need to catch up. We are hoping he will just need a few days on the high flow and that he will be back off of it soon. We are getting quite anxious to bring our little man home and be together as a family, but we also know that we need to do what is best for him.

 {Naptime with Dad}

I have a lot on my mind right now. I have had a few cases of the "what ifs". While I let myself wonder about some of the things that happened, I try not to dwell on all of the what ifs. I can't change anything that happens and it wasn't in my control. One of the big things that I have been learning during our experience is that although it's nice that I have plans, they are not always God's plans. Sometimes I think that my plans are better, but then I remember that I am not in charge. I find some reassurance in the fact that there is someone greater than me, who knows better than me, who acts in my best interests. Who does have plans for our lives. I think that God has some pretty special plans for the lives of both of our boys. They have a pretty unique story that I hope can be used in some big ways. We don't know the meaning of all of that we have been through, but I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God has it all in his control.

 {Tiger Bum}

Danny and I were talking tonight about the things that happened the night the boys were born. I was crying and telling him how much I missed Carter. And he said "I will never ask you not to miss him. Because we will always miss him." It was just so nice to hear someone say that I never have to stop missing my baby. Sometimes I feel like there is this pressure to move on and that I start feeling better about it. I dont. And I don't think I will ever be "over" losing Carter. Life will go on and it might get a little bit easier, but I will never stop missing him.