So many people tell me how strong I am and how they don't know if they could ever be so strong. I saw this quote somewhere and I guess I think it's true. "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". What other choice do I have? There are many times when I don't want this to be my life. I never imagined that at 26 years old I would know what it's like to lose a child and to have gone through having a NICU baby too. Lots of times I'm not strong. I have many weak moments, hours, and even days. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. But, I don't have a choice but to pull myself up and keep going. There are times when I allow myself to fall apart. I don't feel like staying there is a choice that I have. I have a husband and a son that need me.
I wish that I did have more time to grieve Carter. So far we haven't really had a lot of time to do that. Life keeps moving and I just feel like we haven't had time to slow down and really mourn our loss. I want to grieve Carter. I feel like it's important because he is so important to us. When I asked for book suggestions, some of you mentioned going to a GriefShare group. There is a group in Lynden so I am going to try and start going to that. I think it will be good for me to have an actual time to set aside for grieving. I don't want this to offend anyone or say something that isn't true...but I feel like parents who were pregnant with one child and lost that child are in a different situation. They lose their baby and they go home and start their new normal and the grieving process. I don't feel like that has been the case for us. While we lost our baby, we also still have a baby that needs us. A lot of our energy has gone to what Cohen has been going through and I feel like whatever is left over goes to grieving. I know it's not right, but it's our reality right now. Carter is never far from our minds and there is some grieving and processing that goes on in the midst of everything else. I've never been in this situation before and I don't know what the "right" way is to do things (or if there is one). I think we are just doing what we have to do survive and keep going. I think going to GriefShare will be a good to make time to be with other people who know what it's like to lose a loved one and to process some of the feelings and emotions we are going through. Anyway, that's my little ramble for tonight.
So true. There isn't really any other choice is there?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you haven't had time to grieve for little Carter. I think that, for me, it didn't really sink that I had lost one of my girls until I brought her sister home. And when you have another baby in the NICU there just isn't time to stop and mourn. It isn't that losing a twin is any easier or more difficult than losing one baby, it's just different. I know that Carter is always in your thoughts and in your heart. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I've been in a similar situation, preterm loss of twin, first pregnancy, long NICU stay, and I don't know that there is a 'right' way to get through it. We all just have to muddle through as best we can, loving both our children and trying to find that balance between celebrating the life of the one that we have and mourning for the child that we lost.
I have read a couple of books about losing a premature twin. 'This Lovely Life' by Vicki Forman which I found very helpful and 'Half Baked' by Alexa Stevenson (who also has a blog called Flotsam) If you would like a list of blogs written by those who have lost one of their twins, just let me know.
Thinking of you and your boys, wishing that you had them both in your arms xo