For This Child I Have Prayed

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him" 1 Sam 1:27

This verse is one that I read over and over while I was pregnant. This verse will be on a sign in Cohen's room. I was thinking about this verse again and yes, I did pray for this child, and the Lord granted me what I asked of him. Cohen is alive and getting well. But, Carter isn't. I prayed for him too, though. I prayed and prayed and prayed for my boys and I know so many of you did too. However, the Lord didn't grant me what I asked of him. So what does that mean? That I didn't pray hard enough? Or believe enough? I don't think so. If God gave me everything I asked for then I wouldn't need him. If I had my way I wouldn't work, I wouldn't know pain, I never would have had to say goodbye to my child. Even though I like to think I do, I don't always know what is best. And I'm not saying losing Carter is "what was best". I will never think that. I know that this wasn't a mistake. Even though it's hard to fully believe sometimes, I know it's true. To say that it was a mistake would be to say that God makes mistakes. And he doesn't. If he did, then he wouldn't be the all powerful, all knowing God that I believe in. Also, in a strange way, there is freedom in knowing that this wasn't a mistake. It frees me from the "what ifs", what if I would have done this, or wouldn't have done that. It wasn't my choice and nothing that I could have done that would have saved Carter.

It might not make sense to some people. But in my heart, I know these things are true. I know a lot of you probably wonder how I can still believe in a God who let my child die. The fact is, I had a really hard time with this after Carter first died. I was so angry. But then some words of wisdom were spoken to me and I realized that God didn't "take" Carter away from me. He is taking care of him for me though. And it's because of Jesus that I have hope in seeing Carter again some day.

Bad things happen. I wish they didn't, but they do. But it doesn't change who God is to me. And my anger, doubts, questions, and emotions don't change who I am to God. It probably actually makes it clearer to me in a way. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The things that happen in this life don't change who God is, he is unchangeable. And I am thankful for it. I'm thankful that he still loves me, even though I have been so angry at him. One thing that struck me the other day is that God knows what it's like to lose a child. He knows what it's like to have his son die. And thank goodness that he allowed that to happen. He could have stopped it. But he didn't. And because His son died, my son can now be with him.