Pancakes...

This morning I made pancakes. It might seem like an uneventful thing to most of you, but for me, it was a pretty big deal. I got out of bed and made my own meal. And then I cried. I cried because I imagined having my boys in the kitchen with me while I made pancakes for them. Then I realized that that would never happen. They will never be running around my feet together playing as I try and make breakfast. Of course Cohen will be causing a ruckus I'm sure (someday) but we will never have "the twins". I won't set up two high chairs with two sippy cups.
From the kitchen I went to the computer chair and stared out the window for awhile. It was a rainy day today and I'm not going to lie, I like the rain. It seemed to suit my mood today anyway. As I was staring out the window at the rain falling on our patio I saw a football sitting outside. And again I thought about how I will never see both of my boys outside playing football with their dad. They won't wrestle each other on the lawn. I won't know if one was faster than the other. Or if one was better at throwing and one at catching the football. These may seem like insignificant things to most of you, but when it's something you will never know about your child, then it becomes a big deal.
Grief is a weird thing. Some days it seems almost unbearable, like I just can't find the strength to keep going. And some days it seems a little farther off and I allow myself to focus on other things. Sometimes it sneaks up and catches me off guard and I walk down the street crying. Or get out of the shower sobbing. Or lay in bed awake and think of the twins we should have had. I think about my baby boy that I will never get to see grow up with his brother. We are mourning for Carter and we are also dealing with the loss of "our twins" and that a part of us, especially Cohen, is missing. I have come into contact with people that have lost a baby or babies. I can't imagine losing both of my boys and I am so, so thankful that we have Cohen. I think this whole experience has made me realize how special babies are and that they truly are gifts from God. I know that I would have loved my boys no matter what, but now I think that I love them so much more because I know how precious their lives are (were?).
One thing that also kind of surprised me about this whole journey is how open I feel like I've been. Before all of this I was not a share your feelings kind of person. I kept a lot of things inside. And now, I feel like I want to share the things going on because it helps me process and maybe it will help someone else too whether someone experiences something similar themselves or if it is through a loved one. Maybe it will help someone know how to help the friends or family grieve. Maybe it will help them know that the feelings we have are normal. Or even to help to know what to say or not to say. I don't know, I just hope that maybe somehow God for good in some way.