Monday, July 11, 2011

1000 Grams

This weekend our friends Ryan and Tiffany got married up at Semiahmoo. I went up north for the wedding because I wanted to help our friends celebrate and Danny was the best man in the wedding. I wasn't sure how it would go and it didn't go as well as I had hoped and we left a little early, but I went. I was nervous about being around so many people and also seeing people that I hadn't seen yet since this all happened. I was anxious about how my emotions would do. As I sat there listening to the excited bride and groom saying their vows I thought about my own wedding. I thought about how we said similar words, that we would take each other "for better or for times of sorrow and times of joy". Of course on your wedding day you are thinking about how excited you are for all the good things that are to come, you don't think about the times of grief and sorrow that could come. But, I realized now even more how important those vows are. We never imagined ourselves in the situation we are in, no one ever does. I am so thankful for Danny, I could never do this without him. He truly is my best friend and I am so glad I married him. He is the only one who knows what I am going through and I know what he is going through. He knows my grief and my sorrow. And he just lets me be. He holds my hand, hugs me tight, and he comforts me like no one else can. I am so glad that God has his own plans for our lives and I am so glad that Danny was part of his plan for me.

The other thing I  have come to realize is that it hurts when people don't ask about Carter and Cohen or at least acknowledge it. I know there is a time and a place for these things and that people don't necessarily always know what to say. But it hurts me more to have people pretend like nothing happened than it does to talk about the boys, especially Carter. I know its not an intentional thing, but it makes me feel like his life wasn't important. And he was important, he was here, even if it was only for a short time. So, please ask about my babies. I will talk about them all day :) I will tell you that Carter was perfect in every way. That he, like his brother, had his dad's long fingers and toes. That he had a cute little nose and a little bit of dark hair. I will tell you that I got to hold him and kiss him and put a little hat on him. I got to show him off to my mom, sister, and dad. And that I had to say goodbye to him, knowing that when they took him I would never see him again until I get to heaven. If you ask about them, its true that I might cry or be a little bit sad. But it means so much to me. And even if you don't ask questions about them, even just acknowledging them makes me happier than pretending like nothing happened. I think any mom that has lost a child will probably tell you the same thing. I never would have known these things if I hadn't been through it. So, just keep it in mind next time you see someone who has lost a baby. It means the world to moms if they get to talk about their babies, even if they aren't here.

And, on a lighter of our favorite nurses took some pictures of Cohen while we were gone. He was all dressed up and wanting to go to the wedding. Maybe next time, little buddy! Who do you think he looks like??
And here he is in his cute little green hat having some kangaroo care time. This little guy has joined the 1000 grams club!!! Today he broke 1000 weighing in at 1003 - 2 lbs 3 oz! He is up to 5.8 mL/hour of his breastmilk.


  1. Life lessons you'll never forget... You are such an inspiration to others and you will sensitive to others trials in a way you could never have done before the birth of the boys. God bless.

  2. Jana, I am so excited for you guys. Little Cohen is growing so much, I think that he looks like your side for sure! (sorry danny...they have strong genes!) :) :) I have been thinking about you alot lately. I'm so glad that you are in my life, I know I've said this before, but you are such an encouragment to me. This past week, God brought Carter to my mind. He reminded me that His plan is perfect, and that Carter is perfect now too. I love you guys, and am praying for you daily.

  3. Jana,
    I keep up with your blog all the time and I cry, and I pray, and I read your posts to Justin. I am so proud of you. I so appreciate your honesty and hearing your tender heart for Jesus and your boys (all three of them!) God is doing an amazing work in you, I can see it on this blog. Much love and continued prayers,

  4. I'm so glad to hear he is gaining weight! He is pretty darn adorable - especially in his little bow tie haha :) I hope I get to see him in person some time :)