I have been feeling fairly miserable physically, and since I am losing my insurance at the end of this week I decided to go into my doctor here in Lynden to see if I could get some antibiotics just in case. I called in in the morning and my doctor had an appt for an hour from when I called. So, I hurried to get ready and was walking out the door reached over to grab my keys. Except all that was on them was the mail key. At this point my appointment was in 15 minutes. I contemplated riding my bike in the rain, while sick, to the doctor's office but decided that probably wasn't a great idea. I called my sister who happened to be heading to the library so she picked me up and dropped me off at the doctor's (thanks Karen!!) Sure enough, I have a sinus infection. I haven't seen my doctor in about 3 years so he asked me what was going on. I told him that I had twins, one was in the NICU and his brother had died, so I needed to get better quickly so I could get back to seeing him. And that my insurance was running out and I didn't want this to turn into anything bad but that I have a history of getting sinus infections whenever I get sick. He gave me my antibiotics so hopefully I will start feeling better soon!
Also, my house was a disaster and I was just too tired to do anything about it. Neither of us are really here enough to clean it. Danny is either at work, sleeping, or driving to Seattle to see us. I don't like having a messy house and I was really kind of just looking forward to doing something "normal" like cleaning, but I just didn't feel up to it.
If that wasn't enough, I have spent the last few days on the phone with (seriously): Danny's HR, my HR, the broker who handles the insurance at my work, 2 social workers, a public health nurse, the lady who deals with the insurance in the NICU, the actual insurance company, and the case manager through our insurance. But the sort of good news is I think we have finally figured it out for now, although in the end, we really only have one option.
And, on top of that, we have been wanting to go in and pick out Carter's headstone. How do you decide what you want your son's headstone to look like? Shouldn't he be picking out yours? These things really aren't covered in the handbook to life. We have had to put it off for a little while, mostly unintentionally because Danny and I are rarely up here together on a weekday. But, I think it's time because we want him to have one. Because he deserves it. Even though he was only here for such a short time, he was our baby and we love him so much. It may seem like a weird thing to be worried about, but I want it to be perfect. I want people to know how much we loved him. It seems like we should be able to fit all of our feelings about him onto one stone. A stone that will mark his place forever. Anyway, we went in to the funeral home but they were closing so we will go back in tomorrow morning.
So, as I was laying in my bed feeling sorry for myself, I texted my wonderful mom. She came over and cleaned some of the house, brought me a sandwich, threw in some laundry, and went to pick up my prescription. Thanks Mom, I don't know what I would ever do without you! Once again, I am so thankful to all the people who have been supporting us through all this. We really, really appreciate it. It hasn't been easy, but you help make our journey a little easier. I know the Lord is here to help carry our burdens and he does that through so many of you. I have to be honest and say that I wasn't so great about letting him help today. It was more like I was throwing things out at him that I didn't want to deal with (insurance!) and trying to keep control of some of the other things. My attitude may not have been exactly pleasing or pleasant. But, I know that he meets me where I am at and also that he forgives me for being a crab (thank goodness!)
And because no post is complete without a picture of our little man, here he is in his green hat that Gramma made him. This picture was from last week as Cohen hasn't had his picture taken since Sunday!! He probably doesn't know what's going on!
Dear Jana, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I am so thankful that you are transparent about your feelings. No, no parent should ever have to choose a head stone for their child. That is way out of order. My baby's head stone is very plain, just her name, MaryBeth VanFossen and the date of her birth/death, June 22, l988. and the words, beloved daughter of Bonnie VanFossen. I wasn't a Christian, nor was I married, and her father didn't want anything to do with a child, just the fun of making one. I can really relate to the difficulty you are feeling about this procedure. I miss my little girl, and would have enjoyed watching her develop, but God has her in His arms, and some day I'll have her in mine too.
ReplyDeleteI hope your sinus infection gets better real soon, so you can go back to Seattle to be with that little man of yours. In the mean time, I'd like to help with house work, if you need someone else to help. Even though we've never met, I feel a kindred spirit with you, we are sisters in Christ, and sisters in sorrow over a baby. If you need anything, my cell phone is 360-224-2889. Now get some rest, and remember, lots of us are praying for you. Agape, Bonnie VanFossen,
I understand what you are going through. My first son was born December 5, 2009 at 23 weeks. Planning a funeral and picking out the headstone was very hard to do. I remember sitting in the hospital after delivering him thinking, I should be celebrating the birth of my baby, not making funeral arrangements.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for both of your losses. I'm sorry that anyone else has to know how it feels to lose a child. It's definitely not an easy thing to go through but I am so thankful for the support of Jesus, my family, friends and even strangers who help to bear our burdens.
ReplyDeleteBonnie - We will probably be having a BIG house cleaning event before Cohen comes home so I will keep that in mind :) Thankyou so much for your offer, we really appreciate it.