Monday, October 10, 2011


I feel like I just always have so many thoughts floating around in my head. If I leave them in there they just keep floating and keep me awake at night so sometimes I just need to get them out. Cohen is still making great progress on his list. He really only has his ROP check on Wednesday and that's it! I have been feeling rather anxious this week. I think it's the combination of the fact that we could be bringing Cohen home on Thursday or he could be having surgery Thursday. Both scare me. Cohen having surgery is scary for me because it's surgery and because he would have to be intubated again and that terrifies me. I just don't know if I could handle seeing him like that again. And bringing Cohen home scares me. Are we really ready to take care of him and give him the kind of care that he needs? What if we can't do it? What if I'm not a good mom? I feel like I am already so tired and when I get him home there isn't going to be any more nurses to take care of him, especially at night.

 {Even Superman needs a nap}

Cohen celebrated his 4 month birthday on Sunday! Some days I can't believe he is 4 months old and some days it seems like it's been about a year since he was born. Here are a few things about Cohen at 4 months old (3 weeks adjusted age)
- He has started taking some full feeds by bottle (about 80 mL)
- He is a night owl. His nurses often tell me that he was awake most of the night (this needs to change ASAP!)
- He is such a sweet boy. He hardly ever cries and if he does it's usually just a little whimper
- He wore his first 0-3 month onesie today! It was his Superman onesie. We bought a Superman and a Batman onesie when we found out that the twins were boys. I can't believe how big he is getting
- He weighed 9 lbs 7 oz on his 4 month birthday. Anybody getting close in the contest? I'm thinking probably about 10 lbs if he goes home Thursday
- He grunts ALL the time and has terrible gas (he is really going to appreciate that little fact some day)
- His current favorite books are: Goodnight Moon, Peter Rabbit, The Going to Bed Book, & Perfect Piggies

Speaking of Peter Rabbit, when Danny and I went in to pick out Carter's head stone, they gave us a little book of pictures to look through for what we wanted on it. We both saw the same little Peter Rabbit picture right away. Peter Rabbit was one of the first books that Gramma R brought to Cohen in the NICU. Danny read it to him almost every night. So, when we saw that little Peter Rabbit picture, we knew we wanted it on Carter's marker as a way to kind of connect the boys. As for Carter's head stone, we really are glad that it finally came in. I know yesterday's post sounded a little...angry, upset, sad. And I was and still am. I hate that my son has to have a headstone and that we have to go visit him in a cemetary. But we really do like the way that it turned out. I love that they were able to put his actual little handprints on it. Thank you again to those of you who go and visit his grave and leave flowers. It always warms my heart when I know someone has been there to say hi and remember my baby.

These last few days have been pretty emotional for me. I have mentioned before that there is a set of twins in the same room as Cohen. I'm not sure if I talked about how they closed Cohen's regular room for cleaning so Cohen was moved into another room and isn't in his "private suite" anymore. So, now it's harder for me to get away and hide, especially when the twins' parents come in. I feel like I am kind of able to handle it when the mom isn't there, but when she is, it just is really hard for me. It's hard for me not to be angry at her. I know it isn't fair to her and she hasn't done anything wrong. But she has both of her babies and I don't. I had to leave the hospital today because I just couldn't take it. And then I was frustrated because I wanted to be with Cohen because he gives me so much hope and comfort, but he was in the exact place that I didn't want to be. Also, as we move towards bringing Cohen home we are SO excited. But there's also a part of me that just keeps thinking about how we should have been bringing both our boys home. There should have been 2 carseat tests, and two bags of baby clothes, and we should still have two cribs set up. I think it's really hitting me hard this week that we don't get to bring both our boys home and start our life of having twins. I have a feeling it's going to continue to be a pretty difficult week. But, there will also be joy in the fact that we will (hopefully) be bringing Cohen home SOON!


  1. Jana, you are an AWESOME mom and I have no doubt that you and Danny will take the best care of Cohen when he goes home! He is so blessed to have you both as his parents and to be so loved. Of course there will be days of being tired and frustrated when you go home (I think every new mom has those) but don't ever doubt that you are a good mom because God gave you Cohen knowing that you would be the best mom for him!

  2. Jana, so glad to hear it is about time for Cohen to come home!!!! You are a GOOD Mom, and I am sure you are tired. You guys have been through alot. You have a awesome family, that will be there to help you when you need it. Take care of yourself. Deanna T