I know, two posts in one day...but this blog has been such a huge support to me and writing things out helps me to process. To say that I am tired would be an understatement. I'm exhausted. Drained. Physically and emotionally. I know something has to give, I just don't know what. What can give? I can't not go see Cohen. I can't not come home to see Danny and try and get the house ready for Cohen. I have to sleep, I have to eat, although neither of those are easy these days. I don't have energy to go to the store. I have no motivation to eat out. I don't sleep well because my mind is so busy and I have to get up to pump.
The physical aspects of driving back and forth to Seattle multiple times a week. Sleeping in a bed that's not mine. Waking up and not knowing where I am. Spending countless hours at the hospital. Pumping day in and day out. Of not eating well because our fridge is empty and I can't find it in me to go to the store.
And there are so many emotional aspects. The ups and downs with Cohen. Thinking there is finally hope of bringing home only to have them dashed and worsened by the fear and anxiety of him maybe having to have surgery. All of the emotions of losing Carter. The pit in my stomach when I find out that his headstone was put in and no one called to tell us. My mom happened to go by and told us it was there. And having to be at work and not having time to go see it until this evening. Knowing that his stone was probably put in on his 4 month birthday yesterday and we didn't even get to go see him. The finality of seeing a headstone at my son's grave site. The joy of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of bringing Cohen home but the heartbreak and pain of not being able to bring both of my babies home.The fear of bringing Cohen home and wondering if we are really going to be able to take care of him.
I know something has to give. I'm not planning on working anymore anytime soon with Cohen hopefully coming home. But, at the same time, I feel like if I stop moving I may fall over and not get back up. I don't know what to not do or do less of. I just want all of this to be over. I know I'm exhausted and I know I can't do it all. But what do I do? To be perfectly honest, I am still terrified of losing Cohen. I want to know that I did everything I could possibly do to help him.
You are one the STRONGEST people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and knowing, You took amazing care of caiden when he has is sinus surgery, seeing you there that day made it easier for me so believe in yourself, Cohen has a wonderful mother and father and you are and have been doing everything you can and more. I am So sorry that Carter did not make it and you did everything you could have done with him as well. I wish I could take away all the pain you are feeling and if there is anything that I can do just let me know. You will make it thru this and you will be the the best mom Cohen and Carter could have ever been born to! Cohen will be privilaged to be raised by you!
ReplyDeleteIt is absolutely exhausting, I often felt like my surviving twin's NICU stay was a bit like running a marathon. You go through such a traumatic and devastating experience with an unexpected early birth and then losing one of your children and you just have to keep going, even when you feel your batteries are totally flat. One thing that I found helped was holding my surviving twin, getting as many cuddles and as much time with her, as I could. And that is so much easier once you get them home and no longer have all the pressure of travelling to the hospital to visit.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you didn't know that Carter's headstone had been put in, I can only imagine how that must have hurt.