Monday, October 24, 2011

Did This Really Happen?

Since we have come home I feel like I have kind of been in this weird time warp. I just keep walking around the house or laying in bed at night thinking "Did all that really happen? Did we really have twins born way too early? Weren't we just laying in bed still shocked about the fact that we were having two babies? Did we really say goodbye to our precious baby boy? Is that little blue box from the hospital with the few things of Carter's the only proof I have that that he was here? Did we really spend over 4 months in the NICU watching our other baby boy fight for his life? Is he really ours now? When did all this happen?" It may sound strange to some of you  but it is just such a weird feeling. Like we got swept up into some kind of tornado and were spun and flung around and around and then suddenly dropped back out into "normal" life where everything is still carrying on as usual. Or like it was some kind of lifetime movie or a bad dream or something. All of that couldn't have been our life. Sometimes I wonder how we got through all of that and how we are still standing. Of course I know that it is only because of the Lord and the strength he gave us and all of the support he has given us through so many people. I know that he carried us through so many days that we otherwise wouldn't have made it through. I can't tell you how many days there were that I felt like throwing myself on the ground and giving up. I just didn't think my heart could take any more. Those are the days that God (often through many of you) scraped me up, put me back on my feet, and held me up so that I could get through the rest of the day. I am thankful that God is big enough to handle our pain. He lets me kick and scream and tell him that my heart is breaking. And then he reminds me that he is bigger than all of it and that he will never leave me.


  1. Sometimes I STILL have moments of thinking "Did this really happen? To me?! To my babies?!" We also went from being shocked to find out we were expecting two babies, to being shocked at the early arrival of two babies, losing one of our babies and having the other seriously ill in hospital for some time.

    I think that, when our surviving baby came home from the NICU, a lot of what had happened finally started to sink in for me. Which does sound strange but the NICU is just such a whirlwind and you are working so hard just to keep afloat and do your pumping and your visits to the hospital and so on. Such a perfect description of that time, being dropped out of a tornado back into "normal" life.

  2. Wow. You described it so perfectly. It takes time, but you will eventually feel the "normal" again. For me, I had to realize that I was indeed dealing with some post traumatic stress disorder. In reality, I could have used some sort of therapy, but never had the time or energy to go! I mean who can, with a micro at home? Just know that you are not alone. Hugs!!

  3. You are so good with words. Almost all tradegies and uncontrollable situations are followed by a time of disbelief. The death of Carter and the uncertaintities for Cohen for such a long period of time fit into these scenarios.
    After living for over 60 years and being in these situations and sharing them with so many...I've decided it is God's way of protecting us from "really" feeling the pain we were experiencing during these times===in the intensity it was then===which would rob us of the joy of NOW. Not that we completely can erase the bad of it; but, it eases it little by little.