Monday, October 24, 2011
Did This Really Happen?
Since we have come home I feel like I have kind of been in this weird time warp. I just keep walking around the house or laying in bed at night thinking "Did all that really happen? Did we really have twins born way too early? Weren't we just laying in bed still shocked about the fact that we were having two babies? Did we really say goodbye to our precious baby boy? Is that little blue box from the hospital with the few things of Carter's the only proof I have that that he was here? Did we really spend over 4 months in the NICU watching our other baby boy fight for his life? Is he really ours now? When did all this happen?" It may sound strange to some of you but it is just such a weird feeling. Like we got swept up into some kind of tornado and were spun and flung around and around and then suddenly dropped back out into "normal" life where everything is still carrying on as usual. Or like it was some kind of lifetime movie or a bad dream or something. All of that couldn't have been our life. Sometimes I wonder how we got through all of that and how we are still standing. Of course I know that it is only because of the Lord and the strength he gave us and all of the support he has given us through so many people. I know that he carried us through so many days that we otherwise wouldn't have made it through. I can't tell you how many days there were that I felt like throwing myself on the ground and giving up. I just didn't think my heart could take any more. Those are the days that God (often through many of you) scraped me up, put me back on my feet, and held me up so that I could get through the rest of the day. I am thankful that God is big enough to handle our pain. He lets me kick and scream and tell him that my heart is breaking. And then he reminds me that he is bigger than all of it and that he will never leave me.