The Burning Question

This post has been sitting in my "draft" folder for a little while now because I hadn't decided if I wanted to put this out to the world (or 5 of you reading). Then last week, another preemie mom addressed this same question so she gave me the courage to post my own answer.  

"Are you going to have any more kids?" 

We get asked this question a lot. It always kind of surprises me because honestly, I don't think it's anyone's business. It doesn't offend me, it just seems like that is a very personal decision and not really up for public discussion, especially if I don't know you that well. I think mostly people are just curious because of everything we have been through with Carter passing away and Cohen's not so easy entrance into the world.

 I am going to answer this question because this blog is about a journey through grief, surviving the NICU, and learning to go on living. Danny and I have been talking about this very question for a little while now. We want Cohen to have another sibling, one that he gets to grow up with. I just want to be clear on this because it has been suggested to us in the past that children are somehow interchangeable and that "at least we can have more kids". We would never have another baby to replace Carter. No one else will ever take his place in our family.

We have been through a lot and it definitely plays a role in our decisions. If/when we decide to try for another baby, it is going to be hard. I know there will be a lot of nerves and fears. There's a good chance I will be a wreck. My heart tells me that I don't have the strength to ever go through anything like the twins' pregnancy again. There are a lot of questions that we may never have answers to. But, we also don't want to let fear or anxiety stop us from growing our family. If we had another difficult pregnancy and/or preemie, our decisions may change. We both have discussed the fact that we don't know if we could bear losing another baby or have to go through another NICU stay. Of course that's the risk you take with any pregnancy, there are no guarantees. We also know how in love we are with our boys and they are worth it all.

We would love to experience a positive pregnancy although we know it would never be completely free of worry because of what we have been through. There are things we want to experience, like the last 15 weeks of being pregnant. There is a whole trimester we have yet to get to and go through! I would like to be a walking pregnant lady and not laying in bed the majority of pregnancy. I want to wear maternity clothes instead of hospital gowns. We want a chance to experience "normal" and to hopefully find some healing along the way. 

We are just trying to take things one step at a time and let the Lord lead us where he will. So, there you go, I've given you your information...any other questions? :)