This journey is hard and I'm far from perfect. While the days are farther and fewer between, I still have times when I get sad or angry. In fact, my therapist told me to make a list of all the things I was angry about. Just a list, without the "yeah, but's". She told me that sometimes people find it easier to brush off their anger by playing it down. For example, I'm angry that people say mean things to me, but it's not their fault because they don't know. I haven't actually made a list because I struggle with the fact that it's okay to be angry. Is there a time it's okay to be angry? A lot of unfair things have happened to us, but don't they also happen to others? I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm not mad about things, after all, who wouldn't be mad that they are spending a lifetime apart from their child?
It's just hard to let myself be angry, without finding reasons why I shouldn't be angry. I write off my feelings, telling myself that someone else has it worse and that I still have so much to be thankful for (which I do). I'm not saying that I am going to spend my life in anger, kicking unicorns or kittens or anything. But I do think that I need to allow myself to feel sad and upset about the things that have happened. About my son dying. And angry about my son growing up without his twin. And angry that some people take their children for granted.
I think there is a fine line between being upset that bad things have happened and letting anger consume. I think that's the line I'm struggling with. I know there is a wrong way to handle anger, but is there a right way? The Lord says that he spends time knitting us together in our mother's wombs, making us exactly who he wants us to be.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you
because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
While I have many questions about anger, what I do know is that God knows where I am and he loves me anyway. Even if I am angry and confused, he loves me right where I am at. I can go to him no matter what state I am in and I am thankful for that.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens,
you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will
hold me fast.
This is a hard road to be on and I know that anger is just a season in grief. Sometimes I do just want to be mad for awhile. I want to be upset that Carter died and that I couldn't do anything to protect him. And so yes, I am angry. I am angry that things didn't turn out the way I wanted and that I don't have my son. That place of anger is somewhere that I probably need to visit, but it's not somewhere that I want to stay.