Monday, July 23, 2012


There are a lot of other mommy bloggers out there who handle life with such grace, even those who have lost children. I don't feel like I am one of those moms. I have this picture of my mind of others so delicately prancing on stepping stones through the puddles in life with their faith never wavering. And then there's me. I feel like I am just tromping right on through, falling over and getting covered in mud.

This journey is hard and I'm far from perfect. While the days are farther and fewer between, I still have times when I get sad or angry. In fact, my therapist told me to make a list of all the things I was angry about. Just a list, without the "yeah, but's". She told me that sometimes people find it easier to brush off their anger by playing it down. For example, I'm angry that people say mean things to me, but it's not their fault because they don't know. I haven't actually made a list because I struggle with the fact that it's okay to be angry. Is there a time it's okay to be angry? A lot of unfair things have happened to us, but don't they also happen to others? I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm not mad about things, after all, who wouldn't be mad that they are spending a lifetime apart from their child?

 It's just hard to let myself be angry, without finding reasons why I shouldn't be angry. I write off my feelings, telling myself that someone else has it worse and that I still have so much to be thankful for (which I do). I'm not saying that I am going to spend my life in anger, kicking unicorns or kittens or anything. But I do think that I need to allow myself to feel sad and upset about the things that have happened. About my son dying.  And angry about my son growing up without his twin. And angry that some people take their children for granted.

I think there is a fine line between being upset that bad things have happened and letting anger consume. I think that's the line I'm struggling with. I know there is a wrong way to handle anger, but is there a right way? The Lord says that he spends time knitting us together in our mother's wombs, making us exactly who he wants us to be.

           For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you 
          because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 
                                                                                                                        Psalm 139:13-14

God loves us so much and spends time carefully creating who we are. Shouldn't I be upset that all of that has been taken away? I am mad that I don't get to be with my son and watch him grow up. But I don't want to spend my life being angry, I know that's not something that I want or that Carter would want for me.

While I have many questions about anger, what I do know is that God knows where I am and he loves me anyway. Even if I am angry and confused, he loves me right where I am at. I can go to him no matter what state I am in and I am thankful for that.

         Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens,
         you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
         if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will
         hold me fast. 
                                                                                                                    Psalm 139:7-9

This is a hard road to be on and I know that anger is just a season in grief. Sometimes I do just want to be mad for awhile. I want to be upset that Carter died and that I couldn't do anything to protect him. And so yes, I am angry. I am angry that things didn't turn out the way I wanted and that I don't have my son. That place of anger is somewhere that I probably need to visit, but it's not somewhere that I want to stay.


  1. you have every right to be angry love, and no one has any right to tell you other wise. You are a strong woman and a GREAT mother, but you have every right the hate, swear, kick, scream, and throw a fit in anger.

  2. I had some intense anger this weekend. I am so glad I read this today because it reminded me that anger is OK. My feelings and emotions are OK. Really, they are. Even if others downplay/de-value/belittle them. It's not theirs anyway. No one has to deal with your life, but you.

  3. Sometimes it's just good to be MAD. Get it out! I went and had myself a good old pity party on a jog on Saturday. I sat by the water and cried and didn't care who walked by. Then I brushed myself off...and I'll continue on my way until I need to stop by the water again.

  4. You are so very right, the Lord is always here for us, even when we are angry at him, or at our situation. I just finished reading the book I will carry you, by Angie Smith. She spoke lots on this topic and the anger she felt while she was pregnant with her daughter and after she had passed away. It is a very great book. I most definitely recommend it if you haven't read it. I have many many days where I am just angry. I have to try very hard not to let it consume my life and steal my joy. I will keep you in my prayers, because I know this is hard. I say write your list of things that make you mad - even if you just throw it out. I may take the advice of your therapist and do it as well.

    Hope today gets better quickly. <3 ((Hugs))

  5. Thought of this quote when I read your post.

    "At bedtime, in a cold, strange room, I read Evening Prayer. Read the first Psalm for the evening of the fourth day: 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'...I am grateful that Jesus cried out those words, because it means that I need never fear to cry them out myself. I need never fear, nor feel any sense of guilt, during the inevitable moments of forsakenness. They come to us all. They are part of the soul's growth."
    -Madeleine L'Engle in Two-Part Invention

  6. I have struggled with anger also. It is usually quick and intense, then a general grumpy feeling. I am so sorry that you have walk this path you are a good mommy to both your boys. I love when you said "That place of anger is somewhere that I probably need to visit, but it's not somewhere that I want to stay." so true!