* I just wanted to say thank you for your prayers and comments/messages about yesterday's post. I should clarify that by non-exciting I didn't mean "bad" changes, just non-exciting in that I didn't think you would be interested! :) It actually has the potential to be some very good changes. I'll keep you posted and we still appreciate your prayers!
Since the beginning of all this, we have always wondered how losing his identical twin is going to affect Cohen. Honestly, we don't know how we are going to raise Cohen as a twinless twin. At this point, we mostly have questions with few answers.
What will it feel like to be a twinless twin? I have heard that single twins who grow up without their sibling said they always felt like something was missing. Is that how it will feel for Cohen? Will he wonder what he's missing out on when he sees other twins with that "special bond"? When I think of twins, I think of this incredible bond between two people. They may have their own language or know what the other is thinking.
I have read stories from twinless twins and they break my heart. One of the things that is the hardest for me is knowing that Cohen's life will probably continue to be difficult. He didn't get to leave his problems at the door of the hospital. While from a preemie standpoint he is doing fabulously, he still has a lot he is going to deal with. How do we raise him not to be a "why me" kind of little boy and instead a boy who can use his difficult beginnings to make him stronger and to help others?
How do we help him through losing his brother? How do we help him to know that he is our pride and joy but that we still miss his brother every day? How will we help him when if wonders why he got to live and Carter didn't? What if it doesn't affect him as much as we think it may?
While some twins never find out that they were in fact a twin until later in life, we don't think that's fair to Cohen. He will know about Carter from as early on as he understands. We have no intentions of keeping the fact that he has a twin from him. This is all such uncharted territory for us and we aren't exactly sure how we will handle it when that time comes. We pray that we will be able to handle whatever comes with grace and wisdom. We just want Cohen to know how much he is loved and that we will support him the best that we can, however that looks.
Can I just copy and past your blog into mine?! Well said. I think of the very same things.
ReplyDeleteSame as Heather said...I think about these things too.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post about my own experiences of raising a surviving twin (she's nearly four now) over at Still Standing Magazine http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/06/raising-a-surviving-child-from-a-multiple-birth/ and I actually got a response from a lady who is a surviving twin herself which was very interesting to read.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I decided to tell Jessica that she was a twin. I've always talked about her and tried to explain as far as I can. She also didn't leave her problems at the door of the hospital but she is so full of life and so happy. She never seems to feel sorry for herself and just gets on with things. I'm sure that Cohen will be the same and I know for certain that he will know how much you love him.
A blog I've found really helpful and interesting reading around raising a surviving twin is Laura's at Moments of Pause, her surviving son is eight now and she has such a beautiful and graceful way of dealing with his twin brother's absence. You can find her here http://momentsofpause.blogspot.co.uk/
There are also some resources at CLIMB which I found helpful about raising a surviving twin http://www.climb-support.org/index.html?survivors You may well have come across both of these but thought it might be worth mentioning them. Like Heather and Sarah, I still struggle with many of the same things but I hope that Jessica knows how very much we love her and how grateful we are that she survived.
i read this a few days ago, I'm a twin and it made me cry thinking about her not being there (not that we see each other that often now we are grown up). I didn't leave a comment because I didn't think I had anything useful to say. But I have been dwelling on this and thought it might be worth pointing out that what you are feeling is the raw pain and grief of losing a child. When Cohen is old enough to comprehend that he had a twin who died, what he will feel is not the pain of grief. It will be the curiosity of what might have been. I have two friends who are both surviving twins. They have both talked about knowing they were special, and both talked about wondering what their sibling might have been like. But they haven't experienced grief from not having their twin there. I think that is a really positive thing to hold onto.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment and your perspective. Honestly, I do hope that I feel worse about than he will. I don't want him to grow up being sad all the time, but I think he will be curious about what life would have been like with his twin. Your friends perspective is interesting because I have heard a lot more sadness in stories of other twinless twins, I would be more than happy to be wrong!
DeleteOh big hugs, Mama. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
ReplyDeleteThough, it may be so painful not to know all the answers right now. You are on the right path because you are raising the important questions.
We are adopting identical twins and their brother, and I have a lot of the same questions as you since they have experienced loss too (though different from your son. I don't know exactly what to do when the issues come up, but I think by taking the first step of bonding and loving on my kids, we will get to where we need to be together.
Thank you for linking up to the Sunday Parenting Party. I hope you come back again tomorrow and link up another article. Your candor and poignancy is so appreciated.
Thank you for sharing this. My daughter is the only surviving quadruplet from my pregnancy. She has 3 beautiful sisters up in Heaven. I wonder everyday how I'm going to raise her to know her sisters, without feeling guilty that she's the only one who survived. People try to tell me to "worry about it when the time comes" but the time is now. I don't know the pain or emptiness that she will feel without her sisters. She is only 6 1/2 months old, 3 months adjusted so we have time to figure that all out. But we have no intentions of hiding her sisters because they are a part of our family too.
ReplyDeleteI am a surviving twin. We were born at 27 weeks and my identical twin sister passed away at 3 days old. I can honestly say that when my mother sat me down at age 6 and told me that I was a twin, I replied "I know mommy". No one had ever mentioned my sister but somehow I just knew. My life has been full but not complete. A piece of me will always be missing. My parents always made me feel extra special. However, there is not one day that goes by that I don't think of my sister. You seem to be wonderful parents and the best advice I can give is to be understanding, supportive and available to your son. He may or may not grieve. I did. It seems I grieve more the older I get, especially on those milestone days like graduations, birthdays and my wedding. The most important things you can do for your child is to be there and be willing to listen no matter how old he is. My mother will let me talk about my twin for hours at any time day or night. Together we sometimes grieve and sometimes celebrate life. This often helps with the loneliness that creeps up sometimes. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters but at times can feel very alone. I have been told this is common for a twinless twin. A good support system is critical. There is so much truth in the statement "Once a twin, always a twin". I pray for you and your son the very best in this journey. Being a twin means that your son is part of a miracle and was created to be a very special person with very special, unique and amazing parents. Hang in there!
ReplyDeletei wish you were not 'anonymous'...This is beautifully written. My granndaughter also is "part of a miracle'. Although it is my daughter's call, i know she agrees that we want
DeleteAli to 'know' her sister. She is 2 now, and i swear she does know. So i guess what i mean is...i want her to know WE know and love them both...to the moon and back :) Thank you for sharing. It means so much!
You are taking first step telling him off bat he was twin. I am 28 yr old Twinless twin my parents didn't tell how I found out was convoluted but dad dod explain basics when I confronted him around 19. I knew I was long before that. I do not speak to mother for other reasons any longer. She would never tell me anything anyway. Part of hole stems from not acknowledging brother or sisters existence yes he will miss his twin. Tell him how special being twinless twin is. Around his 3 rd birthday ask him if he wants to do something special for his twin in heaven weather baloon release or whatever else he decides. Tell him you lovr him and that his twin loves him from heaven and answer questions best you can . Tell hi, you don't know how it feels I can't empthize with you but I can sympathize. It is ok to let twinless twin know you also miss them. Let him cry if he needs to as child.
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