Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bittersweet Dreams

Sometimes I get to see Carter in my dreams. Whenever I dream about him it's always about how it was a mistake that he died. At some point I had been told that he died but now I was rejoicing in the fact that somehow it wasn't true. One time I was holding Carter, just like I did the night he died. He looked just like he did that night, like he was merely asleep, only this time he opened his eyes. In my dreams I'm also always aware that it isn't going to last, that soon I will wake up and it will be over.

But, for those brief moments, I get to be together with my boys. I get to have twins. I get to see them together. It's wonderful to see Carter, but it can be so heartbreaking to wake up.


  1. Oh that brought a tear. What a blessing to dream of Carter, but how sad to wake up. Someday all will be as it should and you will be together :)

  2. I have had very similar dreams. In one of my dreams last week I had my son with me on a vacation, even though he had passed away, and suddenly I saw his eyelashes begin to flutter and he came alive! I was so excited and tried to phone the relatives but couldn't get my phone to work. I had this huge surge of relief feeling that life was finally going to get back to the way it was supposed to be with him here. Waking up was bittersweet indeed. The sweet part being I finally got to hold him again, the bitter part, well, you know :(

  3. I also have dreams like this, where I see both of my boys. They are usually older and toddling around on the grass or beach. I don't get to see Julian's face, just his profile or back of his head - but I love seeing both of them TOGETHER. Something I can only do in dreams :(

  4. Oh dreams ...I have asked God for one of our sweet girl so many times but I have yet to have one. So sorry for your ache and yes just like Tesha said, someday you will snuggle both of your sweet boys together. I hope you and your beautiful family are doing well!


    1. Nicki - I didn't have dreams about Carter right away. After the boys were delivered I would have dreams about being pregnant still, but not about Carter. It wasn't until recently that I started to have dreams about him. I hope you get to see your little Elle soon! :)

  5. I cannot imagine having a dream like that. I can honestly say in the five months that Jake has been gone I can't think of a single dream where I have seen Jake or anything like that. I have had horrible dreams about other things... mainly about harm coming to me. I am so happy that you can see your sweet Carter, but my heart breaks that you have to wake up from such a sweet dream and face the cruel reality again that he's not with you. Many Many hugs to you!

  6. I never dream. Except when it is about Carter. I always go to heaven where he is. One time Great Gramma was rocking him and she handed him to me. He looks EXACTLY like Cohen, but I knew immediately it was Carter. The most recent time he was sitting on Jesus' lap and Jesus set him down and he came toddling to me. He was walking before Cohen. This was the first time he was Cohens age. I hate to wake up. Gramma loves you and misses you So much little angel!
    "If tears could build a stairway and dreams a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you HOME again!"

    My Hope:

    "And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
    The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
    The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
    Even so, it is well with my soul."

    I can not WAIT!

  7. What a sweet treat to get a visit by Carter. I could imagine the pain to wake up... One day, I hope Parker visits me, although I never dream or at least never remember them!