That will never happen. I wish I could make it stop hurting, I really and truly do. I want to be 100% happy that Carter is in heaven and having a fine time, but I can't. I love and respect the person who said this and I know they were just trying to make things better on a hard day. But I didn't choose this and I certainly didn't ask for this. My son is gone, and that will never stop hurting. Can I choose not to wallow in it and let it consume me? Of course I can. I can choose to not let it define me or keep me from living life, but I can't turn off a switch and make it not be painful. It has been getting easier (before all the milestones came up) and the sad days are fewer and farther between, but they are still there. To say that one day I won't hurt over my baby is like saying that he didn't matter. If you cut off your arm, would you just wake up and be okay with it? Would you never think about what you are missing because of it? I'm not so sure you would. I wish with all my heart I could go back to my old self, one who doesn't cry all the time or have really bad days. But, I can't, and I am doing my best to get through.
This is a process and I am working my way through it. I am going to have bad days and I am going to have better days. One of my hopes for this blog is that it can help others better understand what it's like to lose a child. I know there is no possible way you can fully understand if you haven't been there, but I hope this at least you get a glimpse into what it's like. I don't want anyone to ever have to know what it's like, but if I can help one person help someone else who is hurting then it would be worth it. I wrote this post awhile ago about things to say or not say to someone who has lost a child.
Through all of this, I have made friends and I have lost friends. I have found out who my true friends are and have been supported by so many people. And again, I really do appreciate all of your support. I found this on Pinterest and thought it was fitting.
{Found here}
whoa...put that at #1 as what NOT to say. sheesh. The truth is you may never be "you" again...and that is okay. The new version is certainly just as loveable. Hopefully you'll come to a place where you do feel happy most of the time, but children who leave this earth before their Mommies will earn a lifetime of grief. That's what a Mother's love is-a lifetime. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteWow! People never cease to amaze me. I can't believe someone would say something like that to you, even if they were just trying to help. Some things are much better thought and not said. That would most definitely be one of them. I lon
ReplyDeleteg to be the person I was before grief as well, but have come to realize I don't think I can be. This process, although still new, has changed me greatly. I'm sure it has you as well. I don't think there's a thing wrong with the new us though. Many many hugs for you!
Jessica
I love that sign I NEED one! :) I am wondering where I have gone and so is everyone else. Jana I am so very thankful for you and your blog you have given me hope and freedom to FEEL. You are a wonderful shinning light of living, loving and grieving. I so agree It will never go away like you said we might keep going but our boys will never be far from our minds. Hugs, I am praying for you during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteAwww that is a lovely quote. I found the build to my girls' first birthday very tough, it's hard not relive all the memories associated with those dates, the hope and excitement and pain and grief and the love.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is the love that endures and the love that means we are never the same again. You can't choose to stop loving somebody! How you could choose to stop loving your own child? It never ceases to amaze me some of the stuff the people come out with!
It's nearly four years ago for me now and I'll never be ok. I'll never wake up one morning and be fine with the fact that one of my little girls had such a difficult time as a baby and that her sister didn't survive.
But we do get through it. There are better days as well as sad ones. But our children are never forgotten and we never stop missing them. And I always think that I am a happier and better person for having known both my lovely girls, even if only one of them is mine to raise. Love to you, celebrating your wonderful Cohen and remembering your precious Carter xo
Hi Jana - I am in awe of your courage and strength to share form your heart clearly one of life's most difficult journeys. While I certainly cannot relate to what you have been through and will continue to go through every single day of your life, I can tell you that you are in my thoughts often. I wish the journey to motherhood was a simple and blissful time - one without worry and heartache. But, as we both know, it's not - and that just sucks! I love your title about choice - wow, how that one word can change so much. I hope you know that whatever choices you make through your life they are exactly the right ones! Big hugs to you during these difficult days. And, to end with a happy thought - Cohen is the cutest little munchkin in the world - love his little squishy fishy face!
ReplyDeleteRachel