Monday, June 4, 2012

Happy (almost) Birthday Carter!

To my (almost) one year old boy,

Carter, you are an amazing little boy. I never imagined living my life without you. I hope you have had a wonderful first year up in heaven. We wish with all our hearts that we got to see you grow up and learn to sit and crawl and see your first little tooth poking through and hear you say "mama" and "dada" for the first time. How we wish we got to dress you, change your diapers, get you up from naps, feed you your first foods, snuggle while you drank your bottles, and read you stories.

Like Cohen, you too had your own battle to fight. You were so strong and brave and we are so, so proud of you.  We miss you and think of you every single day. We take Cohen to visit your grave and he sits on your headstone and plays with the toys left there for you. We like to think you are sitting in heaven playing along with him.

You have taught us so much in your little life. You have taught us not to take things for granted and to enjoy all the little moments of life because we just don't know how many we will have. You have showed us the importance of slowing down and cherishing the time we have together. You have taught us that there are things worth fighting for and things that are okay to let go.  Through you, it has become so clear to us that this world is not our home. We are simply passing through and I have never longed more for heaven. You have reminded us that God is good, no matter what. Even though things don't go the way we planned or wanted, he is still in control.

I will never forget when they put you in my arms. You were so tiny and perfect. I counted your little fingers and toes. I begged you to open your little eyes. Just minutes before I had heard your heart beating on the monitors while they got me ready for my c-section and then they were telling me that you weren't going to make it. I didn't want to ever let go of you. When you died you took a piece of my heart with you that I will never get back, a space that will never be filled by anyone else. The time I got to spend with you on earth will never be enough and I will always wish I had just one more minute or hour or day or lifetime. Now, I hold you in my heart until the day I can hold you in my arms and make up for all those days without you. I hope when I get to heaven that you aren't too old to rock to sleep. 

We don't know why you didn't get to stay here with us, but we can only trust in the plans of the Lord and lean on the hope of seeing you again one day. Even though we don't get to have you here, you have brought joy and love to our lives and we wouldn't trade that for anything. You will always and forever be our little boy and Cohen's twin brother. We miss you more than words can say.


  1. Happy (almost) birthday Carter! We love you very much and miss you everyday. We think about you all the time and the kids and I love to talk about you. I can't wait until I can hold you in my arms again and give you a big hug.

  2. Happy Birthday to your sweet Carter and Cohen...I will be praying for a wonderful day, full of peace and so much love and joy over your 2 sweet boys.

  3. Happy Heavenly birthday Carter! Hugs Jana this letter is so very moving. Praying for you on this special day!

  4. So beautiful. Happy birthday, you darling little princes! I hope today is peaceful and that you can feel the love of both of the sons that are lucky enough to have you for their mother.

  5. Happy Birthday Carter. Although I ache to hold you in my arms once again, I know God has used your short life in a very powerful way. He has taught me to love every moment I have on this earth, to love my family more. I will never know why we could not have you with us here. I do know God has a plan, I have to trust in that. Gramma and Grampa love and miss you very much. We held a tiny angel in our arms and can not wait for that reunion in heaven to hold you once again!

  6. This is such a moving, beautiful letter. It epitomizes motherly love. When you said, "I hope when I get to heaven that you aren't too old to rock to sleep" brought tears. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child. God's blessings to you as you remember your sweet Carter on his birthday and every day.