Ongoing...

I don't know if it's the first birthday or what but for some reason I just have little things from Cohen's NICU stay stuck in my head. Whenever I turn down the volume on my phone, I get this little anxious feeling. When Cohen was in the NICU, I had the hardest time leaving him at night. It just isn't natural for a mom to leave her baby with someone else, especially at bedtime. Every night when I went to bed I would turn my phone volume up all the way and set it right next to my head. I would frequently wake up to check my phone and make sure I didn't miss anything (as if I could with the volume up loud enough to be heard in another country). Sometimes I would even get these really horrible feelings and call the NICU in the middle of the night to make sure he was okay. I remember so many nights of waiting to get "the call" telling us to hurry and come in because Cohen wasn't going to make it. I remember the first night I stayed at the home alone, I was so nervous that Cohen was going to need me and I wouldn't be able to get to the hospital because I didn't have a car.

Honestly, I don't know how we are still (somewhat) sane. I have been going through a lot of Cohen's NICU pictures. They have always just been normal to me but now, they kind of hurt my heart a little bit. Cohen, and so many other preemies, went through more than any little baby should ever have to go through. I have such a strong, brave baby and we are so glad to have him home with us. I am so thankful that there is absolutely no way that a human body and mind can process the magnitude of it all. I am thankful for "go mode" that keeps you on your feet in the face of incredible trials. I am thankful for the hundreds of prayers that carried us through it all.