Last year around this time we were celebrating our first Christmas in our new house. We went and cut down a real Christmas tree. We came home and decorated it and I made a tree skirt to put under it. We talked about starting a family. Boy were we clueless about how our lives were about to change. In some ways, I wish I could go back to that time. A time when I didn't know how painful heartbreak really was. Back then, my only understanding of a NICU was my very brief clinical rotation in nursing school. I remember one of the few days I spent there was the day that a family got to hold their baby, who was born at 1 lb and some change, for the very first time. I remember thinking what a special day that must have been for that family and how very tiny a 1 lb baby was. I had no idea that some day we would be that family.
In January, it will have been a year since I took 3 pregnancy tests and found out that we were having a baby! Shortly after, at our work Christmas party, my friend followed me into the bathroom and demanded that I tell her that I was pregnant. I wish I could have bottled that joy and excitement because soon they would be replaced by fear and lots of unknowns.
In February, it will have been a year since we got the surprise of finding out we were having not one baby, but two! A year since we laid in bed and thought about what we would do with two babies and how they would fit into our very small house. We were so excited that we had a really hard time keeping it a secret as long as we had originally planned. We had lots of fun seeing the looks on people's faces when we would casually slip the ultrasound pictures showing two babies and marked "Baby A" and "Baby B" or saying something like "We just had our appointment and both babies looked good". I wish I could go back to that place. Before the pain and the heartbreak. When we didn't know to be afraid of what was to come.
Some days I wish I could just go back and live in those moments again. The moments when we couldn't even imagine how much pain a heart could be in. When we thought we were just going to start a family and live happily ever after. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world, but just for one second, I don't want to know this pain. I don't want to be in this club. These nights are the ones where I go in and watch Cohen sleep. I pray for him and I thank God for letting us keep him. In some ways it feels like this all just happened yesterday and in some ways it feels like it has been years.
I honestly had very little idea about NICUs before my two children ended up in one. To be honest, when I was told I had gone into preterm labour, I didn't even think I would give birth. I think I just expected the babies to vanish somehow!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have bottled that joy and excitement too. I was SO happy when I took that first test and absolutely thrilled to find out that we were expecting twins. I remember my hands were shaking and I just couldn't believe how lucky we were. Frightened but so excited. I remember teasing my ILs as this would be their second set of twin grandchildren.
We also thought we were going to start a family and live happily ever after. I still can't quite believe what happened sometimes. I wish that nobody had to go through this experience and I am so sorry that you have had to. It is such a mixture of emotions, so much gratitude and love for the child you have in your arms but so much sorrow for the child you have only in your heart xo