Tuesday, December 13, 2011


So, since I was pregnant with the boys I have had this problem with fear. Most of our pregnancy was filled with fear. The birth of our boys was scary. After losing Carter, I found myself even more fearful. I would often leave the NICU with a huge amount of fear in my heart that Cohen was going to die while I was gone and that I wouldn't be able to get there in time to say goodbye. I would leave for the evening, make it to the hallway, and then go back in and tell Cohen that I loved him one more time. Having lost someone so important has affected my whole life. I am still scared that I will lose Cohen or Danny. If I don't get to say "goodbye" and "I love you" to Danny before he goes anywhere I get this nervous feeling and I have to call him and tell him.

The other night we were in bed and we kept hearing all these weird noises and Danny kept getting up to check the house. Cohen has been sleeping in his own room for awhile now but I set up the pack n play that I had finally taken down and brought Cohen into our room. I was scared for him to be alone or that something might happen to him. We finally figured out that the neighbors were coming home with a Christmas tree (at 9:30 at night?) but I still wanted to keep Cohen in our room.

I know that the chances of something happening to one of them are slim, but I also never thought that I would lose my child. Sometimes it just feels like if I could lose my son, then I could just as easily lose my husband or my other son.

I know that I am not in control of this life and that worrying doesn't do me any good, but I still struggle with the fear. The fear of losing someone else that I love. I know that worrying and being afraid aren't going to change anything for the better. I know that just like with Carter, God has each of our days numbered and they are not in my control. But, I am human and it is something that I am dealing with at this point in my life. I have been trying to focus on a few verses:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."   John 14:27

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:27 & 34


  1. Thank you for posting that. I struggle with fear a lot, especially fear about how I will (or will not) handle something terrible when it does happen. I really appreciated your honesty and the verses.

  2. Jana I struggle with worry, which is a great friend of fear. Have you seen my thigh tatoo? It's Phillipians 4:6-8. It has been a reminder, corrector, and comfort to me so many times! Just last week when I was consumed with worry and fear for my Uncle Wes, the Lord whispered to me, what have I told you? It's so comforting to know that the God who created this universe, who sees everything and knows the heart and mind of everyone He created, who loves us beyond what we can fathom, holds us in his hand!

  3. You have been through so much this year. I think what you are experiencing is very normal. I remember waking up with cold sweats and intense fear in the middle of the night a few months after bringing Jack home. It was PTSD and it took awhile to get better... I still struggle with fear and I wish I could easily throw it to the side. It's a continual journey.