I never in a million years thought I would be the parent of a preemie. I had read blogs and heard stories of miracle preemies born too soon. It looked difficult, but I could never even begin to imagine what all it entailed. It's hard, intense, emotional and so rewarding. When you have watched your child struggle for every breath and moment of life, it changes your perspective. There is a lot of worry and fear that comes with having a preemie, but there is also so much joy and celebration.
I never thought I would celebrate pee or poop so much. The first time we saw those drops of pee in Cohen's teeny catheter, we practically jumped up and down. In Cohen's first few days of life, when he was in kidney failure, Danny would wander down to the NICU and check how much pee Cohen had made. In a time of great uncertainty and fear, this was the only thing we could wrap our heads around. We didn't even know what to make of our 1 lb 8 oz baby boy, his ventilator, his numerous lines and cords, and his mostly covered little face. All we could grasp was that he was very sick and he needed to pee. So pray for pee we did! Grampa made the nurses laugh by doing a pee dance and Gramma brought a peppermint in to inspire him to pee (apparently it's what they use to make kids go?). It seems silly now that we were so focused on that one aspect when everything was so serious and overwhelming. But, as a parent of a preemie...that's what you do. You have to find something to focus on and keep you going. You have to have hope and you celebrate even the tiniest of things.
When you see your children born 15 weeks early, eyes still fused closed, paper thin wrinkly skin, and the tiniest little body parts you (probably can't) imagine...it almost doesn't seem real. But there they are, fully formed but just much, much smaller. It's amazing really.
I can remember the exact moment when I realized that Cohen was going to live. It wasn't until he was around 2 months old and I really just hadn't even allowed myself to really accept or believe that he wasn't going to die until that moment. We sat helplessly by as our little boy struggled with one thing after another. And then, finally, finally I believed that he was going to make it. I called my friend Ciera (I don't know if you even remember telling me this) but she said, "It's an amazing feeling when you realize they are going to live". And it was. I just felt like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe. I could finally let myself really love this little boy without the fear that he was going to be taken away from me. I allowed myself to dream about what could be for our son.
Our love for Cohen continues to grow and grow. We love him more than we ever knew we could love anybody. The trials we have been through have opened our eyes even more to how blessed we are to have him. We are thankful for his fighting, driven personality. On the days where I just want him to hold still and quit growing up so fast, I just remember everything that he has been through. God knew he would need this personality to fight all the odds stacked against him. Someday when he is older and pushing all our buttons and testing his boundaries, we will try and remember this :)
Thank you again to all of our nurses and doctors for everything you did for us. Thank you for helping us keep our sanity during those long, long days of worry and fear. Thank you for helping us find joy in the middle of trials. And thank you to all of you who understand (or try to) why we keep Cohen inside, why we ask you to wash your hands, why we cancel plans if you feel like you are getting sick, and for understanding why we are cautious with him. Thank you for asking how he is doing and for trying to understand what he has been through.
Today we are celebrating our preemies! We are so, so thankful for both our boys. In case you missed their videos or want to watch them again, Carter's is here and Cohen's is here. They both still make me cry every time I watch them.
Go find a preemie or a parent of a preemie today and give them a hug. Thanks for celebrating with us!
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