Family

You may have started to gather this from reading the blog, but I have a really amazing family. I have 3 brothers, a sister, a brother in law, a sister in law, a niece and 3 nephews. We are far from perfect, but we are there for each other. Our families have gathered around us and supported us in so many ways over this last year. 

My family was so excited about adding twins to the mix of cousins. We were so excited to be adding two little members to the family. When I took the pictures over to Karen's we just started talking about showers and what we would do with two babies and how much fun it was going to be. When I took them to my sister in law Christine's, she immediately took the ultrasound pictures and photocopied them for her fridge. My mom framed the ultrasound picture and put a "2" on the frame. We were all so happy.

My mom came to many of my ultrasounds with me, both when the boys were healthy, and after we found out that we were having problems. She was in the room the day we found out that I was being sent to the hospital. I just remember the silence in the room that day as we all sat wondering what was going to happen to our boys.

We went home to pack up a few things and I just went straight to my bed, layed down, and cried. As Danny was packing, my mom brought me a snack to eat as she knew that I would fall even more apart if I didn't eat before the long drive ahead of us. Danny and my mom were my rocks those next few weeks as I sat in the hospital, full of fear, but trying to hope for the best.

The night we found out that it was time for the boys to be born, I called my mom right away. She picked up Karen and they drove down, probably speeding a little bit. They were waiting in my room as I was wheeled in holding Carter. My mom told my sister just to take lots of pictures of us, and if I asked for them someday, they would be there. And Karen did just that, and we are so thankful to have a few extra pictures of our baby. Mom took Carter and wrapped him up in a blanket from home and we all just sat and cried and talked. We talked about how perfect he was, how long his toes were, and who he looked like. We just couldn't believe he was gone. Danny, Karen, and Mom also got to go and see Cohen, even before I did.

Karen and Mom drove home that night. The next day my Dad came to the hospital and he got to hold Carter, too. I am so, so thankful that some of my family got to hold him, I wish they all could have. I'm glad they got to see how perfect and tiny he was. That he was a real person. My parents got a hotel near the hospital and switched off staying near us to help out. My Dad would go out and find us food while we were still staying in the hospital. They set up our room at "the home" for us to stay in after I was discharged. One night he even walked to Trader Joe's and got us a little feast of frozen dinners and ice cream that we ate at the hospital. My parents made all of the arrangements for Carter, which I am so thankful for. I'm not sure I would have had the strength. I know that's something that no grandparents should ever have to do, but if we couldn't do it ourselves than there is no one else I would rather have do it. I know it was heartbreaking for them and took a lot of courage and strength.

After Danny had to go back to work, my mom and Danny would rotate coming down to stay with me. I wasn't strong or brave enough to be left alone, and they were always by my side. Sleeping on hard as rock twin beds in an old dorm room with a mini fridge. I am so glad that they were there, I could never have done it without my mom being there when Danny wasn't. She was constantly bringing me glasses of water or drinks (since I was trying to pump for Cohen). She would make us real meals in the community kitchen at the home. She would agree to eat ice cream for dinner. She learned how to ride the bus to get back and forth to the hospital. She held me when I cried and told me to keep going when I told her I just didn't think I could do it anymore. She is the reason I actually had clean clothes to wear as she washed countless loads of my (and Cohen's) laundry. Once we were able to hold Cohen she would go in early in the morning and hold him for hours so that I felt like I could have a little break in the mornings and feel like I could take my time without leaving Cohen alone. When Danny and I were both at home sick, she went down to the hospital to be with Cohen. She brought lots of treats for the nurses and staff.

Karen also came to stay with me when my mom or Danny wasn't available. She was the first one besides Danny or I to hold Cohen! I have her to thank for many cute pictures of Cohen. She, too, sat many hours in the NICU with me, keeping me company. Our families celebrated all of Cohen's milestones with us, big or small.

When it was finally time for Cohen to come home, Mom and Karen went and decorated the house. They hung up pictures of Cohen and added some decorations to Cohen's unfinished room. There were decorations on the front lawn and balloons around the house to come home to. It meant a lot to me that they took the time to make that day a celebration for us and that we have those as positive memories. I will never forget driving down our road to see them out on the sidewalk waiting for our arrival.

I will never be able to express in words what my family has meant to me, especially over the last year. I know they have felt our loss deeply, as it was their loss too. I know they grieve not getting to have twins in the family. I know it was hard for them to have to explain to their children that their cousin wouldn't be coming home. I have heard of other families who push their loved ones to move on. I have never once felt that from any member of our families and I am so thankful. No one in our families has tried to brush it under the rug or pretend like it didn't happen and that means the world to us to have our son acknowledged in the way he has been.

So, thank you to my family for picking me back up when I didn't have the strength. Thank you for loving Cohen and Carter. Thank you for loving us as we are. We love you all so, so much and we are very blessed to have all of you.