Carter,
You would have been 9 months old this week. Has it really been 9 months since we held you in our arms? In some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday. The pain is still so real. In some ways it feels like it has been years since we got to see you for the first and last time.
We wonder who you would be today. Would you be the calm to your brother's crazy? Would you be our picky eater or would you love eating like Cohen? Would you have a dimple on your right cheek to match his? Would you have fought over toys, or played nicely together? Would you be a good sleeper at night? What would your favorite toys be?
Some days we are so blessed to have a constant reminder of you in Cohen. And some days it is so painful to see Cohen and to not see you there with him. There were so many days were I sat rocking Cohen in the NICU wishing I could have you in my other arm. It just didn't feel right.
Some days I wish I could go back to the days before you boys were born. I would complain less about the constant monitoring, no matter how uncomfortable I was. I would go back to those days in a heartbeat because it meant that you were still alive.
Some days I dream about going back to when you were born. It feels like if I could just hold you one more time, for a few more minutes that it would somehow ease my pain. If I could just see your face just once more. But, I know that no matter how many more minutes or hours I got to hold you, it would never be enough. I would always be left wanting more. More moments to carry you with your brother, more days to hold you, more time to take you in, more days to see you grow. Even if I could go back and do the things I regret not doing, it wouldn't make it any easier. You still wouldn't be here, and that is all I really want. For you to be here with your mom and dad, your grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins. We all miss you so, so much. We hold on to the hope that we will see you again someday.
Love, Mom
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