Healing

While talking with my therapist, she was telling me how I am in a sort of rehab. Like if someone is preparing for surgery and they know they are going to have to do exercise etc and slowly gain back their strength to be able to heal.

I told her that what it was more like going into surgery to have carpal tunnel surgery and waking up to find that they cut both your legs off. Something you thought was going to make your life better and cause you less pain and bring you joy at the things you will be able to do actually turns out to be a huge loss and you are devastated. Instead of having an easy surgery that will bring good results, you are learning to live a whole new life while missing a part of yourself and you will never be the same. And you certainly weren't prepared to live your life like this. What seems to be routine for so many other people turned out horribly for you.


Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful for Cohen. If you read here much hopefully you know how in love with him we are. I think sometimes people feel like even though we lost a child, we still have one and that somehow balances it out. It doesn't. I still lost my son. We know that it could have turned out worse and that we could have lost both boys. We don't need to be reminded of that.

My therapist usually makes me feel better because she acknowledges that our losses have been huge. She helped me to understand that I'm not only grieving the loss of one thing, I'm grieving the loss of many...my child, my normal pregnancy, my twins, my job, my dreams, my life as I once knew it. I know that in the long run, not all of these things will turn out to be bad, but I am in my rehab healing and trying to figure out how to get back to a place where I am happy. I want to be happy, I really do. And I know it will come some day. Of course I have days and moments where I am happy, but I want to feel happy overall. My job for the week is to tell myself that "it won't always be like this".