Monday, December 31, 2012

16 Weeks

A little pregnancy update...

I am 16 weeks today! Hooray! It's going by slowly and quickly at the same time. I think I have gained about 5 pounds or so. I'm still wearing my regular clothes but have to unbutton my pants sometimes :) I go in next week for another ultrasound to check my cervix and meet with the doctor. We are hoping maybe they can sneak a little peak at whether baby is a boy or a girl. Don't forget to vote on the sidebar, so far everyone seems to be leaning towards girl....we'll see!

 My brain seems to be split into two as far as my feelings and emotions. There is a part of me that says this is not the same pregnancy, it's going to be different.

And then every couple weeks for a day or two I panic. There's the other part of me that says yeah, but...what if? What if it happens again? What if I have to relive my greatest nightmare?

Honestly, the NICU part doesn't scare me as much. We've been through that and while we surely don't want to do it again if we can avoid it, that isn't my greatest fear. My greatest fear is another tiny casket and another grave and a lifetime without my child.

In my head I know that the chances of us having a healthy, long pregnancy are good. I try to focus on that. I repeat to myself that this time it's going to be different.

But then I feel a funny twinge, or think I feel a contraction. And it all comes back. Danny and I were talking the other night and I was telling him that I don't know how to not be worried. Now, I'm not worried every second of every day, I have many moments of calm and peace. I actually think that I have been doing pretty well so far. However, we are getting close to the "bad time" (19/20 weeks) with the boys' pregnancy. Thankfully, the good moments have outweighed the worried, anxious moments and I am grateful for that and I hope it can continue that way.

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